I think it’s about time we talk about 2020. Generally, I’ve been avoiding writing these two days as I’ll sound depressing-more depressing than my previous post, but I need to talk about 2020.
2020, what have you done? How can so many pain be fit in 12 months of nonsense? How can I lose my people, my city, my sanity, my health, in one year?
2020 you have aged me like no other. You gave me a good few months only to take it all away in your days; you took away the anxiety only to throw it back at my face on Tuesday, as the last laugh, claiming your win, claiming the last bits of shards that were left from my life.
2020, you win. I no longer will fight you. In the first 6 months, you taught me severe loss and unbearable feeling of staying silent while my loved ones are tortured in front of my eyes. You taught me to work 16 hours a day without a meaning, working only to reach a dead end. You taught me to stay quiet on justice and reminisce on memories I never lived. You taught me great nostalgia that ached me for so long.
And then you taught me the real meaning of anxiety. Of days of pure blackouts and unbearable anguish. You taught me how to see life as a dark, hopeless abyss and go on days terrified, to my bones, to wake up in the morning.
And then it got better. For around four months, you taught me love and grace and peace. You taught me to see the beauty in everything and notice the pretty little things in people. I was able to find my happiness again; you taught me how to smile without trying.
And then you took it away from me, now, as you are about to end and as I thought the hard phase is now behind me. You forced me to carry all the weight that took me too long to leave behind; you forced me to carry it again.
And you showed me hell, for three days you threw the worst scenarios that could’ve happened in my face, and it’s still the beginning of the road; I’m still in the first days, and it physically still isn’t as hard on me.
2020? You destroyed me. I thought you didn’t, I thought the first few months were just that, and it’ll get better, but now as I celebrate new years eve alone in a dark room without anyone by my side, I can tell you that you put me in a place I always dreaded.
I might not even stay awake till 12am, because, what’s the point? That’ll only depress me even more.
I’ll just sleep you away, I won’t even stay up to say my goodbyes. I’ll just sleep you away.