Day: October 7, 2020

Posted on

In these shadows

“When the night falls, i know i’ll lose myself again.”

In these shadows – Fytch

I first heard In These Shadows during the summer of 2014. I was in a car some time after midnight, we were driving so fast, Fytch’s weird gaming tempo music jamming so loud that the car is shaking, and Carmen Forbes singing like there is no end to the bleak. There was no moment more perfect to hear this.

“Blow this pain to smithereens,

Help me fight this storm before I wreck myself”

Out of my many phases throughout the years, the nights when I first heard this was one of my darkest; I did not have any control. And that very night as we were racing the empty streets and trying to escape June’s humidity, I had no control over anything, and this song made it easier to lose control and dive into the darkness.

“Under these skies of doubt

Help me get back up before I drown”

It also scares me how relatable it can get. I am scared i’ll lose myself. I’m scared I’ll lose myself to the shadows. I’m slowly feeling like i’m fading, like with every nightfall, with every burden, I’m starting to care less about everything that makes me want to stay alive. I feel like i’m slowly losing control, slowly losing myself.

Maybe this is why I’ve been listening to Fytch a lot lately, maybe not because I want the adrenaline to kick in again, but maybe because I want Fytch to teach me how to get used to it, to losing myself. 

Posted on

Angry;(adj) feeling or showing strong annoyance, displeasure, or hostility

All my life, I’ve been trying to avoid lashing out at people that sometimes I don’t know how to lash out anymore. My tantrums aren’t many, and rarely do I fight with anyone. It’s just that if we fought or if I got angry and said all the things I might or might not mean, it will probably hurt me more than it will hurt you, so I avoid it altogether.

I’ve become immune to offense and criticism; both don’t affect me. I never know when I’m offended, and when someone in front of me is angry, I think I’m pretty good at absorbing the anger.

I’ve built a quite thick facade and normally do not show my anger unless it’s at home or with my family, and even that is not as occasional, but I have times when I’m upset, and my mum is just there, and I lash out.

Then I feel bad and apologize or continue to feel bad until I see my therapist, and he tells me that lashing out and being mean sometimes does not make me a bad person. Still, it hurts me more than it should.

Today, I was about to get into a really bad fight. I was mad like I was never before; the anger that makes you cry or murderous. It was just too much; the scene I was in was hurtful; I felt like exactly what happened and how it happened is the reason for my trust issues and why I’m so messed up. I was furious at the irrelevant situation I was put in; I don’t deserve to be here, I don’t deserve to feel all of this.

And then I froze. I detached myself from everything going on around me, I left the French fries I was making half cooked, I wiped off my tears, and I’ve been lying on my bed for four hours, unable to talk.

I can feel a little fire in my chest, and a few tears still burning to come out, but I’m frozen. I can’t eat, I can’t move, I can’t talk. I’m stuck and I don’t know how to proceed.

I’ve had my silences before, but this scene’s new to me, and I’m not sure it’ll stick with me. I think it hurts less because I’m not hurting anyone but myself, which is always a bonus. But I do hope I get rid of my anger before it gets rid of me.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow because I will see people who make me laugh and happy.

I like laughing and being happy. I do.