January 24, 2021

I would leave me too, to be honest

I’m sorry that I take you for granted whenever you are around and then miss you so much when you’re not near me. It’s just my mind is a big bubble of noise, and I’m so distracted and loud most of the time that I need to shut everything out and focus on one thing, and often this leads to me neglecting you because maybe you are not loud enough, but I still love you the most.

Right now, as we are talking and I am not sure if you are serious or if you’re talking like always and I’m just over-emotional, or if you actually were upset and I didn’t feel it, and now you don’t want to be here anymore and, oh God, please don’t leave me.

You are the safest amongst everyone, and maybe this is why I don’t give you attention as much as I want to because I take you for granted. I know that you are here, which makes me neglect you because your safety keeps me going, and losing you would be like losing the light in me. You leaving would be the most exhausting thing to me; you’d take away my light.

If you can picture a major caffeine addict sitting under a blanket with a cup of coffee and shaking hands, head, body, trembling so hard that coffee is spilling from the cup. Eyes so crazy you would think they are searching for something, but they’re actually only looking for safety. That’s me; that is how I actually am inside my head, all the time. I would be sitting so still and sane, but the insanity of the coffee addict inside of me is squealing in my ears, and because of that, I might neglect you.

But please stay here, give me the benefit of the doubt; I know you’re good at this. You are an angel, you’re the gift of God to me, and I love your existence so much that a mundane word you just said has made me write all of this. But I wouldn’t tell you because I don’t even know if there’s anything behind all this, and I wouldn’t even know what to say.

I know one thing, it would really hurt me if you leave, and if it’s true that you really care about me, you wouldn’t want that.

January 24, 2021

A little randomness

It’s been quite around here.

We’re 24 days into 2021, and I haven’t even begun to write any 2021 resolutions, or check any of the simple tasks I had in mind, or even begin to think of how my days post lockdown will look like. Is it going to the same? Is it everchanging?

I feel like, for now, I am floating, and not necessarily in a good way, but not necessarily in a bad way either. It’s as if I am walking on a light cloud, and the only thing that is keeping me from falling is pure luck, or maybe the big guy has more important things to deal with that he’s letting me wobble around for a while.

I’ve had a serene week, away from the hustle of the city and the people and the empty streets, and close to the people dearest to my heart. This is now considered a usual, an addictive getaway that, if lost, will hurt so much. I watched the first snow of the year, and I felt the warmth radiating from my people as we snuggled next to the chimney, laughing at everything and nothing in particular.

I think this has been said already here and outside of here, but what would I do to live in a moment. I wouldn’t want to repeat the whole day, just one moment out of it all, one moment when it was too idyllic to think of horrid or the bleak little somebody living in me. Is that how heaven is? Letting us relive our happiest moment over and over and over, with the same mindset and bliss?

But… I’ve been overthinking; I’ve been overthinking a lot. I can’t say this week was similar to the others, I can’t say I was similar to the person I was, and it weirded me out, to be honest. There was something off about how I anticipated my surroundings and the way I felt about everything. Could it be that, as always, the closeness suffocated me? Or could it be that we weren’t close enough?

I’m not sure.

I do know that I need to sort some things out, put some new rules and regulations to myself so I stop repeating all my previous experiences because honestly, this is getting ridiculous. I can’t continue living the same events every time.

Hope you’re having a good Sunday.

January 24, 2021

NEO Gourmet is where you’ll find me

Let me tell you about the last pastry shop I visited. On my first day back to work, I promised myself that I would wake up an hour earlier and walk to the pastry shop to try almost everything they have, then walk back to the office.

It’s a tiny bakery/pastry shop located in a quiet neighborhood in Beirut. The pastry shop is called NEO Gourmet, attributing it to “Nelson, Edward, and Oliver,” Nada’s (the owner) sons. On the day of the explosion, Nada was in the shop with Freddie, her husband, when everything fell on their heads. She thought that Freddie was dead as the blood on the floor was enough for her to think the worst.

Five months later, NEO Gourmet reopened with the same warmth but less enthusiasm as the destruction and trauma remain, even if not visible. Nonetheless, the aroma of the fresh bread and choco-flakes are stronger than the smell of pain. Actually, it’s more of ‘pain’ au lait. (this is the worst pun ever, I’m so sorry)

Can you imagine more pastry shops like this in Lebanon? It’s not your normal cute coffee shops, because believe me, I know. It’s similar to the ones you see in Christmas movies and movies shot in small and unrealistic towns.

I feel intrigued about making this my new scavenger hunt for 2021, hunting down small and unknown pastry shops, to my thighs’ despair. I’m still thinking, still contemplating what’s more important to me, insanely lukewarm pastry shops or a nice light number on the scale.

I love these little pastries so much, and I plan on visiting one coffee shop and one pastry shop in every country I travel to in the future, especially the European ones. There is a certain culture in these brown little shops with their bitter coffee and cheap croissants; there is certain heaven in foreign creme patisserie and glorious frames decorating the walls.

For today, I will settle for having NEO Gourmet as my new to-go spot, the one I seek for safety. For tomorrow, let it be a little coffee shop in Europe, Eastern Europe, where time stopped a few decades ago in the poverty of communism and little match girls.

I’m feeling quite warm, do you?

If you know any pastry shop similar to the one I described (and is in the cover photo), do tell me about it, maybe we can go together? I’m not sure I have a comment section here, but you can always reach out to me anywhere; I’m easy to reach and 65% responsive.