Nothing wrong – As if dismissing the wrong things in me will make it go away. As if when we don’t acknowledge the wrong things in me, it will make it all better and make me think to myself: “you’re right! I am perfect, and I feel nothing.”
I’m so fed up with people dismissing my feelings, refusing to see that there is something wrong with me. I know there are wrong things in me, I know that, I acknowledge that, acknowledging it helps me cope, and you undermining it certainly does not.
When I tell you about a personal insecurity or a psychological instability of mine and tell you that I am going to therapy, please, do not dismiss me. Do not say things like: “you don’t go to therapy because you are sick, it just makes you feel better,” “you’re just oversensitive,” “there’s nothing wrong with you,” “you don’t look like someone with anything [mentally] wrong with them” please don’t say this. It does not make me feel better.
I know you say this out of pure intentions, reassuring me that I am “sane,” that I am okay. I know you do this so I don’t further indulge in the feeling of wrongness, and thereby, self-hatred; I know you only say all that because you care about me and because you want me to feel better, but saying all that only suppresses my feelings and doesn’t help with making the pain go away.
I don’t know how to not be in toxic social inquiries, whether in friendships or relationships, and I often hurt you in ways I never mean to, but you’re too polite to tell me. And I know I am oversensitive, I don’t deny that, but oversensitivity is a consequence of a psychological disorder, and acknowledging that with me helps.
I can’t have you dismiss my feelings, because it only makes me sad. Not all illnesses look the same, not all are visible. Mine is silent, it only kills me silently and it portrays itself as a dramatic oversensitive crying baby who would overthink breaking somebody’s chocolate bar by mistake, for days. It portrays itself as a drama queen who cares about the silliest and most absurd things while there are so many more important things going on in the world.
I’m a creation of residues of traumas and bad experiences, and on most days, I am too weak to face any of my troubles. I talk about my personal problems with a big crowd of friends and strangers in hopes you understand my weird behaviors and my ramblings, and in hopes you don’t judge me as much as you probably do.
I can’t be close to you, and at the same, I am people-oriented, and the only thing that would make me feel safe is people, but I cannot have you near me. I am not playing with your feelings or victimizing myself with “mood swings” or “PMSing.” I just want you close to me, but I can’t get close to you.
I am trying really hard to acknowledge everything wrong with me, every day, with every breath I take, and with every beating of my heart, I want to be better with everything, whether with you or whether with myself, and you dismissing the fact that there might be something wrong with me is not helping me.
I know I have been asking this for a year, and it’s now an overused and repeated statement, but please stay with me despite the madness. I promise it is not only melodramatic tantrums, or oversensitivity, or “she’s too depressive for me,” or pretty much a drama queen. I promise I will be better for you, and for me, but please wait on me a little longer.