Month: June 2021

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I burn everything I touch

I do, I do burn everything I touch. I’ve wanted to write you for a while; I have so much to say to you and so little to act upon. You’ve been making me smile to myself; you’ve been making me so happy; I even dreamt of you once. An innocent dream where you held my hand secretly, stroked it gently, and it felt so right. I didn’t know how I felt about you until you held my hand in my dream, and I woke up the second day feeling like the most beautiful person in the world.

And I’m pushing you away; I do that. I get close, and once I feel that you make me vulnerable, I step away, and I leave you there, making an effort on your own as I show you distaste and discomfort. And when you walk away, I die inside, because I just want you so close to me, but my unbearable trauma drives you away.

How can I do it? How can I ask you to stay close to me?

You’re sitting in front of me, and I’m thinking about you a lot, because you look so good and I can hear you laughing and because I miss you.

You tried to talk to me this morning, but I was too shy, and I ignored you. God, why did I do this? Why do I shun you even though the only thing I want is for you to stay with me for as long as there’s time on earth?

Maybe you think that I don’t like you, and it makes sense for you to think this way; I barely look your way even if you are standing right in front of me. It’s unbearable how much I want to spend time with you and how much I cannot even show you any glimpse of likingness.

My morning was beautiful because you were in it; it felt so good to hear you talk so effortlessly; it felt magical to make you laugh. I’ve been yearning to tell you all about my weekend hike and my plans for this weekend and listening to you telling me what you did and looking at me with those sparkling eyes that I thought only thought exist in books. But we didn’t.

And I’m wearing my new flowery top that makes me feel so pretty and I wanted you to see it. Did you see it? Did you think I looked pretty? I wore it just so you can see it, but I did not make any effort to come your way. I hope you saw it during t the sweet moments we had this morning.

Were you okay? I couldn’t know. I feel like I usually hear you talk more, and laugh more, but today you were quieter than usual. It agonizes me that you might have been not okay and I’m not your safe person to talk to. I’m so sorry.

I’m listening to a very romantic Arabic song, and it’s taking me to a whole different world, a majestic world where I am not afraid to show you how much I feel for you, a world you’re sitting beside me; I can feel your warmth and closeness and I can smell you, and it makes me sad because it’s probably the only time you’ll be as close to me if I keep pushing you away the way I do now.

I wish I can break free from self-destruction; I wish I can let loose and let you know that I really appreciate your existence in my life, and I want you to stay.

I need you to stay. You’re the healthiest crush I’ve ever had, and it would be a shame if I drove you away because I’m too scared to be close. I’m not saying you’re the one for me; I’m just saying I want to go through this with you.

I’m currently looking at you because you don’t see me, and you look flawless. Your muscles are showing as you lean forward, and your smile glows as you probably tell one of your smart jokes. You look gorgeous my love. You’re so pretty; I don’t think you know how pretty you are.

I promise I will make a tremendous effort to keep you near; I will not lose you. I will be your favorite person soon, and we will be so close to each other that you will miss me if we’re ever apart for more than a day. I will keep you near, and I mean it. I will keep you alive in every moment and every memory, I will keep you alive in me. I’ve set my mind on you, you’re my new goal, and I always get my way.

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Let’s go away

To be sucked into a turmoil, unable to drift away, indulged in uncanny in denial and a lust for an escape, a swim in the middle of nowhere, fear of the heavily presence, and the inability to feel within the premises of internal agony and willing to live.

June’s almost over, and I haven’t written anything here. Maybe writing would bring me back, or maybe it’s a push, so I don’t feel like I’m not committing, like leaving in the middle, and then blaming myself for always taking the easy way out.

I’m not depressed; this is a fact. I am not even sad, generally speaking. I have my sad moments, and I am reigniting the shy kid involuntarily; even my sly social skills of not socializing at all are resurfacing, but I am doing okay.

It’s just I feel trapped, overwhelmingly more than usual. Granted, I’ve always felt trapped, and it’s part of my lavishing existential crisis, but it’s been severe lately. I finally understand people’s obsession with oceans; I’ve been craving the sea tremendously.

I finally understand the peace and freedom of diving into the middle of the sea and feeling like you own your space, like you own your liberation, like you can be nowhere, away, very far from your premonition and unbearable obsessions, leaving your heavily sedated baggage of unnecessary responsibilities and self-expectations on the shore.

Yet, no matter how much you swim deep, you can still look back and see the shore; it’s where you will land after you leave for a while. At sea, you sit stretched between the landing hole of maturity and life and the nothingness, and you rest assured that even though you can reach as far as you want into the nothing, there is still a land to go back to. That’s security; that’s my safety.

I am a child of trauma. No matter how much I fight it, no matter how much I act normal and try to blend in, I am a person who still suffers greatly from unresolved trauma. I see two therapists now; my usual therapy, whom I still love as much, and a trauma specialist that I hope can help me tackle the one trauma I want to overcome. I know it’s not healthy to see two doctors, and I don’t plan on juggling this for long; I’m just getting my feet wet and seeing if it’ll do me any good.

The trauma, my unresolved anger, the stress, it’s all getting pretty serious because it is affecting my physical health and not just taking a toll on my mental health. I’ve been sick for a while, but I usually dismiss anything that has to do with my physical health.

Still, two months of unbearable nausea that does not go away, significant weight loss, body aches, back pain, and a high fever on Sunday made me wonder. Nour, you may need to slow down and see what all the fuss is about.

I am a child of trauma, and my brain is wired to live on survival mode and internal search for safety, and I am still roaming deep. I have figured this out through my work with children from traumatic backgrounds; the resemblance in behavior and actions were intolerable, I realized that I have barely healed.

I’ve had great moments in the past month, some may be one of the best memories I have, and I remain grateful. Right now, I am picturing a sunset by the seashore, and I am listening to an idyllic song; I am in a state of peace. Maybe soon I can share a little of what has been going on with me lately, maybe soon I can return home.

For now, I need my sea time.