Day: September 20, 2021

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I am so very much in love

I am in love. I am in love with the wonderful world we live in; with the ebony night and the washed-out days and the godly mountains and the soft breeze brushing my cheek without consent. I am so in love with this feeling of idyll, of living in a world so ghastly, of the obsession we have to stay alive, to survive amid chaos.

I am currently in the middle of nowhere. I am in a well-known town, but this cottage is in the middle of nowhere, and a cat just ate my food and spilled my drink on the white lace cloth lying on the perfectly carved table, and my feet are cold, and I am feeling lightweight with a mild headache, and I am absolutely in love. 

It is so drastic to love something so ugly. To love a world that shelters starving children, orphans, poverty, to love the beauty in the very ugliness of the world.

It is selfish to be sitting here, on a holistic swing playing with my hair and planning to stay awake until sunrise, while death lingers by in every cracked window and every leaky roof.

Yet, I am okay; I am well. I am so grateful for the world we live in, for the beauty in the souls that pass by us, for the behemoth pain and euphoria that we must live through, for every moment that crossed us, for the way I feel drinking my coffee and laughing to the insanity of the whole universe we live in.

It is so inane, yet so relieving, to be able to see the world as it is, a real-life adaptation of Alice in Wonderland. And then there are these sweet and vile moments, moments that make heartaches go away, that feed our blood ecstasy, that make every single broken memory, totally worth living.

How lucky am I? To be able to have a Monday and a Tuesday off for a post-weekend getaway, contemplating ways to survive the rest of the year and thinking of the life I led, with pride and a lot, a lot, of shame.

I’m reading a novel written during Lebanon’s civil war by one of my favorite authors, and I felt an urge to share my happiness with you. I know I do not do that often-share my happy moments-and I am forever sorry for what you have to read here, but right now, you need to know that if I’m on drugs, I would probably not have felt this high.

What else?

I cannot wait until I watch my Grace Kelly and Bing Crosby movie tonight, after sunset, and before I find myself asleep on the couch. I will be of course binge-drinking coffee, but we both know I will be falling asleep by 12-ish.

Also

I have been obsessed with this song the whole summer, it is so enchanting and raw, and everybody should be listening to it. It reminds me of love, of quietness, of happiness. Give it a listen, will ya?

“if i knew what
safety looked like
i would have spent
less time falling into
arms that were not”

Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey

I hope you’re having a lovely Monday-or at least trying to (:

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You were good to me

You were good to me; I promise you this. You came in a time of seriousness and added to the absurdity of everything else, and I am grateful. You came to me with greed and left with the only parts of the sun I like, which aren’t many.

I want to leave, not because you are bad for me or because you hurt me, but because I will hurt you. I do that, usually, and sometimes I am aware of all the hurt I am causing, but I don’t mind because it feeds my ego, and I like to have you always around, so I don’t lose any of the ego I barely have.

I want to leave you because the more I stay, the more I feed your love to my satisfaction. I will become addicted to your nice words and obsessive attention, and I will give you just a little to keep you hanging, and I will indulge in the lust of attention with nothing but apathy towards what you feel,

But you were so good; I give you this. There are very few people that have touched my heart, and you are one of them. I cared for you; I really did. I did not expect much, and I barely even noticed when you were around, until that time when you shined in a crowd, and you mainly chose to shine in front of me, and I saw you differently, and I hoped you were healthy, and you were.

But it’s time to leave now, and you know why. It’s getting too volatile, and we all know how I get when all the things are precarious. I run away, and you would hate me then, and I would never want you to see me less than how you see me right now.

You’re safe, and I like that, but I am afraid you’re going to become too safe for me. I am afraid of myself when I am around you; I am afraid of what happens after you become my only safety, so I’ll leave, as long as I still can, it’s better for me, it’s better for you, I promise.

But thank you, I will not forget what you did for me.