Every time I come back here after a while, my head in between my legs with shame, I start singing Stressed Out by Twenty One Pilots, and I’m Tyler in every word he says, and I am insecure, and I care what people think.
I’m at a Starbucks, and some dude just passed by me, and he is wearing a godly perfume. I literally can not concentrate anymore, literally forgot what I wanted to write. I am about to get out of my chair and sniff him. He smells so good.
How are we? Really? It’s not that I can help you or anything, I can barely help myself, but it’s good to hear how you really are; maybe you are having mental breakdowns and existential crisis issues, and you would like to see if somebody else might be as messed up as you are, because in reality, we all are, messed up, and even messier.
I should be doing well. I want to point out all the nice things going on, the usuals that I tell myself about, and then wonder what’s wrong with me, but then, honestly, what exactly is the definition of well?
I paused. I don’t know, really. I often feel guilty when feeling a certain way despite all the good things around me, and I am reflecting on all the good things I wanted to list, but all the points have loopholes, a little something that is making me a little stressed. And I think it’s fine. It should be fine.
I’ve been in a kind of emotional burnout, where I cannot with any more stress than the usual stress of literally surviving. I’m like for traffic, mum complaining about lettuce prices, friends obligations, extra hours of work: “please, not today. I will probably start yelling at the wrong people and cry the whole night, and I literally and wholeheartedly cannot cope with any stress.”
It [the burnout] started around May, heightened around August, and I am working on myself; I think I am improving, but I am still in the distress era, and I cannot handle you telling me anything I do not want to hear. For once, let me fight my demons the way I want to; let me rid myself of them and be free.
I am going to the gym – I actually started going last week (I went four times!!!!), but I won’t be able to go this week due to all the messed-up life and because I *fingers crossed until they’re red* am traveling next week. I am extremely patiently waiting for my passport to be renewed, and I still need to apply for the visa, which could take four days; I intend on traveling on Friday, and I really really want to travel.
But maybe I don’t, which is also fine. Usually, I trust the process.
Need to log off and go to therapy. I’ll see you around 🙂