Day: January 8, 2022

I took the wrong road to the airport and we ended up driving a little to the South, and I kept apologizing because even though you leaving is killing me inside, I would never do anything to hurt you. We drove in circles for a while, but eventually I did drive you on time. 

I was trying to speed as much as I can, because this is what I do, I try to stupidly outrun my pain by speeding, but my leg was shaking the whole time. It was shaking so hard, I couldn’t control my brakes, but I managed to hide it from you. You were playing your hilariously weird songs and singing along them and the sun was in your eyes and you were way too beautiful and I was way too enchanted to let you know my leg was shaking so hard and my heart might stop at any moment. 

I am sitting right now on a stairs at the airport, sobbing with the ugliest face ever, hiding behind my face mask, my friends are trying to make me laugh, but every bone in me is crying that this was the last moment I saw you.

I said goodbye to you. I never thought I could ever say goodbye to you. It was short but sweet, an undeserving goodbye, a goodbye I did not expect and did not know how to handle.

How could I say goodbye to you? It is unreal, I refused to believe it. I kept on holding to the slight hope that this is all a lie, that you are not leaving, that this is just an awful nightmare and I will wake up to a world where you are still beside me.

I said goodbye to you, as Cate Le Bon sings in my head: 

He’s leaving

He’s leaving 

Town

And I do feel like dying

It’s 1:30am. You texted me at 5:30am today and told me to wake you up at 9:00am if I were awake. 

I woke up at 7:30am, my body aching and the thought of you burned my brain to the core. I made coffee, put on lipstick and, still wearing my pajama, I wore my raincoat and drove to your place.

You woke up the very moment you saw me, which was a first -you’re usually the worst to wake up. I would put on the most annoying song on blast, sing vivaciously, sit on you, shake you and pull your hair out, and you wouldn’t wake up. You eventually do, wake up, look up at the sky and say to God: “what have I ever done to deserve this?”

Today, you woke up right away, and I left you my coffee to drink, and we looked outside the window and we saw a plane flying and you said, in your usual boyish attitude: “look! That’s my plane tomorrow.”

The worst part of all this is that you are happy. You are happy to leave, as you should, but it’s so hard to be happy for you when you’re taking away all I could ever possibly offer. How could I be happy for you when I’m this selfish? You’re asking me to be happy for you when all I really want is to have your arms around me and have the time freeze then and stay stuck in that moment for all eternity. And you expect me to tolerate the idea of you leaving?

A week ago we were also looking at the sky; the sun was setting and the clouds were all pink and fluffy, you looked at the sky and then at me and said: “where will I ever find someone like you?” And I told you with my most serious tone: “don’t even think of searching.“

Here were are, hours away from you leaving. I couldn’t see you tonight, I was with my sisters and you were out drinking with her, behemoth wicked witch of the west. It’s 1:25am, I am seeing you in 5 hours, and I need to sleep, but I know waking up is going to be so painful.

I’m dreading the morning. I’m dreading the 9am that will take you away from me.