It’s 9:36pm, and I am in bed, with a coffee mug the size of a jug. It’s a Wednesday night, it’s May, no AC is on, quite chilly outside, I’m wearing black PJs, and I am listening to In My Head by Bedroom, and it has completely consumed me.
It’s one of those songs that takes me to a different era, a different time. It’s one of those songs that takes me back to when I was 16 years old, sitting on this same bed and thinking of God knows what – never actually believing that I would ever be as old as 24.
The guitar riffs, the depressing lyrics, the untold hope, I feel like I am 16 again, with short black hair and black nails, in a car, someone quietly driving, my head out of the window like a dog, feeling the mightiness of the world, air stroking my chapped lips and cheap red lipstick, blasting this song out loud.
It screams loss of control, and it grounds me. I’ve read the Youtube comments, and though I found many comments heartbreaking, I absolutely love this one:
“I’m lying in my room, alone, listening to this, and I can’t help but feel lonely, so lonely, but the good kind of lonely.”
This loneliness right now, the one that’s screaming with the song I am listening to, is not a bad kind of lonely. It’s the peaceful one, the one that lets me close my eyes and sit back and do nothing, the one that is letting me write instead of read or watch Seinfeld. I love this kind of lonely, and I absolutely adore this song.
I think I am still stuck at a memory that I have not lived. The 16 years old me in a car, driving through the night. I’ve had car cruises, just never felt the aching freedom, the recklessness, the quietness I lust for.
Maybe once I overcome this memory, the 16 years old me with idyll, maybe then I can live my age, maybe then I can stop craving a memory I do not have.
But now, I am gleeful, I am hopeful, I am grateful. I have work tomorrow that I feel anxious of, I am waking up early to pay my fines, and I am thinking of a healthy meal for my lunch break tomorrow. I am dealing with grown up shit, responsibilities I will never be old enough to deal with, and my mind is with a 16 years old girl driving through an ebony night. And I am so grateful.
I played this song all day today in my car, at 5:15am as I drove back home from the airport, dropping off my best friend, I blasted it through the empty streets, with closed windows so I do not annoy the oldies and a careful speed in hopes lose my reckless reputation. If that is not grownup, I do not know what is.
Today was fun with lots of social. I went out with friends, then more friends, then my sisters. I drove through my Beirut, and cursed a couple of drivers. And ending today with some strangeness (for me, at least), I stalked Kendall Jenner on Instagram.
I kind of liked a caption she wrote about anxiety and social anxiety, mentioning that one of her grounding routines is writing down “all the things i’m looking forward to today this month.”
That’s an idea I like. I’m having one of those grateful moments where I am looking forward to what is coming. I am looking forward to summer adventures; to hikes, camping by the beach and by the river, laser tag, escape rooms, sightseeing, movie nights, cold dusks and dawns in the middle of the hot summer.
I am looking forward to seeing him soon, and my friends who will be visiting over the months. I am looking forward to good music, to cold coffee, to deep talks, to silly laughs. I am looking forward to moments that make my knees weak and my heart throb faster than usual, to mistakes I know will cost me a lot yet make me feel so alive in the moment. I am looking forward to driving, to not hitting my car, to better luck.
I am looking forward to wearing my new dresses, my new oversized pants, my new lipsticks, my anklets, my sandals. I am looking forward to singing and dancing, knowing that I am bad at both. I am looking forward to the beach and my new tattoo and new sinful experiences.
I am looking forward to the blessings I so do not deserve, yet I receive, because my God is so generous and loving. I am looking forward to the beauty hidden within the days that are coming.
And I am grateful.
Isn’t it sacredly astounding, to feel all this after listening to one divine song?