For a few months now
I’ve been angry
At everything
At everyone
At no one
At the people I love the most
The people I would never want to hurt
The people I would never be angry of
At you
I am angry at you
For things you didn’t do
Things I assume
Things that do not make sense
Yet are making so much sense
To me
I am angry
At a bluebird singing in the morning
At a sunrise gone wrong during the day
At a smiling face, a fuzzy hair, a small nose
At joyful eyes, laughing wrinkles, good sense of humor
At coffee. Who gets angry at coffee?
At everything I am not
Everything I wish to be
Everything I wish to have
Everything I could never believe
That I could be worth enough
To happen to me
I am angry at the things that haven’t happened yet
Things that I feel
Will eventually
Happen to me
Things that you may not do
Like hurt me
But you see I would never believe
That if you could hurt me,
Why would you not?
You have every right
To do the unspeakable
To me
I am so frustrated
That my expectations of everyone is so low
That I expect the very worse from anyone
That I am always afraid that someone
Will fuck me up
Pull me through the mud
Spit on my face
Leave me to rot in vain
Because I would never believe
You could ever
Try to take away
My pain
I think you think I’m crazy
That I’ve gone mad
That I make no sense
That whatever I am now
Is nothing anyone is willing
To take
And I keep waiting for you to leave
For everyone to leave
Because why would you not?
I would’ve left along time ago
Than stick with someone
So despicable
Like me
The thing is I am not crazy or mad
I’m just sick and I don’t know how to get better
I am trying
I promise you
I don’t want to be this way
But sometimes it gets so much better
And sometimes it gets so much worse
Like tonight
It was very bad
And all I wanted to do
Is punch a wall
And leave somewhere far
Not from you
But from me
From whatever has possessed me
Find a place
A shelter
A haven
Somewhere I can finally be
Free