Month: June 2025

Posted on

Sing me to sleep

Today I can’t seem to get myself out of the bed, I am finding it so difficult to carry the lump as it is so so heavy. I opened my eyes and I could feel tears coming out of my eyes as if it’s been a long day and it was actually still 7am. And my legs wouldn’t move and my hands just rested on my chest and my heart keeps hurting and all I could think of is The Smiths song “Asleep”.

In Asleep, Morissey says 

Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go
Sing me to sleep
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go
There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well…
Bye, bye
Bye…

I don’t usually listen to it, for very obvious triggering reasons. But interestingly enough, whenever the lump is so painful that I cannot breathe, this song starts playing in my head, as if it were the background music of my life, and as if I needed a more depressing setting to complement the darkness I feel from the inside. And this morning I woke up thinking of Morissey when he first wrote this song and how loud the longing feeling of desire to escape felt in that moment, to a point where it was just so peaceful that the music was composed as a lullaby, romanticizing death and going away.

And I often stop at “There is a better world… there must be” and I start nodding my head because this is what I always tell myself and everyone around me, there must be a better life, or maybe a better way of living.

See I am sure there is a better way of living, but I don’t think I even know how to have fun like normal people. I am a very boring person and the things I enjoy are very boring and probably the only person who actually enjoys them is me. I don’t know how to dance; I’m too shy, and I don’t know how to be adventurous or spontaneous, or caught up in the moment. I know how to be uptight and full of feelings and making you feel like you are sitting with a 65 years old. And because I am too boring I am often scared of losing people because I am sure they will find someone who is more interesting and fun and they will forget about me, while I am still stuck in my bed struggling to get myself up.

Maybe I am fun and I don’t know it, I don’t know what nice things I have, maybe I can remember in other times, but now I don’t and it’s been a while I haven’t heard it from someone else, but it’s okay, people aren’t expected to say nice things to each other all the time. Maybe I need to get myself out of bed and see people to know…

Let this be the last time I write about this. Let it be my last days of struggling and tomorrow I wake up feeling like I could carry the lump and everything around it like I am the fucking champion of a wrestling competition. Let it be the last time (for now at least) that my legs feel so heavy that taking myself out of bed would be the biggest achievement I did this week.

Deep in the cell of my heart, I really want to go

Deep in the cell of my heart, I will feel so glad to go

Posted on

sunflowers

get me out of this sunflower farm
get me out of the sunflowers bright
it’s so sunny
it’s so green
it’s so light
it’s everything
i am not
and it’s terrifying
because i am left here
alone
with pretty things
and i don’t deserve pretty things
and i am left here
alone
with sunflowers
and i don’t deserve sunflowers
and i am left here
alone
with so much green
and i don’t deserve green
and i am left here
alone
with so much life

anyone wants to color mandalas with me?

Posted on

Ginny & Georgia

I just finished Ginny and Georgia, and my gen z sister made fun of me when she knew I watch Ginny and Georgia because gen z says it’s “cringe” but honestly fuck gen z for labeling everything I find meaningful as cringe because that show is powerful. My favorite moment of the show? When Georgia finds out that Ginny burns herself and Georgia breaks down in front of Ginny telling her: “give it to me, okay? You give all that pain to me. I can handle it.”

And I’m kind of okay with the episode finale, to a point I was kind of hoping it’s the season finale but apparently they are already in the making of a new season. I’m not big for sad shows and a lot of crying, but I absolutely love shows with powerful mental health messages, shows that portray mental issues as the way they are without sugarcoating. For example, I really expected the writers to write off Marcus’s depression as something that was healed by a deep talk or a morning sunshine, but they didn’t, and it was so emotional to see how much he struggled, and how much everyone around him struggled because they wanted to help but didn’t know how, and they wanted to to understand but they couldn’t. And how badly he wanted to get better.

Anyway. I am trying to get better myself, I promise. I worked out (!) this morning and took a shower, and started completing my humanitarian learning module for this week. I tried out all the clothes I got in the past few days, and put on new nail polish. I am even writing all this down to document it, and now I’m going to get the birthday cake of my baby nephew who’s turning two today, and then heading off to my sister’s to celebrate him.

Update, I just got back from my sister’s, and it was nice. We got him so many presents and a cake with an excavator icing and he was just over the moon. He was so shy when we sang him happy birthday, and he kept asking us to light the candles so he can blow them off, and he kept putting grapes on his cake. It was nice, I just wish I could enjoy it without the lump.

It keeps getting bigger, and the bigger it is the heavier I feel, the harder for me to smile, the more painful for me to navigate. I need it to go away, I am doing everything I can to make it go away, but this time it’s just so stubborn, this time it’s so painful.

“I am all the days
That you choose to ignore”

This is a lyrics from a song I keep singing whenever I am feeling this way. It gives me comfort, though it is melancholy. You know what it says after it says I am all the days that you choose to ignore?

“You’re all I need”

and then a music solo.

Posted on

gum

the lump’s only getting bigger with time
it goes away sometimes and other times it just comes so strong
attacking all my organs
my sense of being
my sense of feeling
my sense of making sense
it tells me to self sabotage
it tells me to hurt myself
because hurting myself
is so much better
than hurting those around me

because it tells me i am worthless
i cannot be tolerated
that i am last in line
that i’ll never be good enough
to be ever anything
to be worth
a reply from my therapist

and it hurts so much i cannot describe it
it holds a grip to my heart
and it breaks me
to pieces

and i feel invisible
i feel like a nobody
like an old gum under a desk in a school
it’s been there for so long
it’s disgusting
it’s there
but no one wants to touch it
no one wants to throw it away
if touched, god forbid
it’s so gross
and you’d would probably wash your hands
because if anyone, god forbid, touches it
it’s probably by mistake
and it’s really not a big deal
no one often thinks about it
it’s just
an old gum
under a desk

do you know how it feels to relate to an old old gum, so much?
it kind of sucks
because see even though an old gum is so visible
it screams to you
i am here
i’ve been here for a while
i really need you to look at me
i am stuck
i really need you to take me out
it’s so cold and it’s so lonely and i just feel
so disgusting
i know i am visible
i know i am here
but you keep acting
like i’m so invisible

yesterday he took me to the beach
to watch the sunset
and color mandalas
and i am usually so bad at self care
or even coloring because it actually stresses me out
even yesterday, he was focusing on making it pretty
on what each color resonates in terms of spirit
and it looked so pretty and wise
just like him
and me?
i just wanted to try out all 48 coloring pencils
and i colored with every color until the sun set and i couldn’t see anymore the lines
and i felt bad for not being able to use all 48 coloring pencils
so some were used and some were not and it didn’t feel fair for those who weren’t
because they’re still special, all of them are. but i worry that because they weren’t colored with
that they think they’re not as special
and i felt more bad because i couldn’t remember
which ones i used and which one i didn’t
and i was like nour, you’re such a mess
you had one job
to color with all 48 coloring pencils
and you messed it up because you didn’t care enough to organize them in a way that you could remember

but i also tried to color spiritually
because i just loved the idea and because he’s just so precious
and so i thought about people
and i colored
i colored in yellow
and then in pink
and another in pink
and then in orange
and i loved the blues
i colored in so many blues
but you know which color i colored with the most?
the greens
i used all shades of green
and i didn’t know why then but now that i’m writing this
i think green is mum
it’s her favorite color
and maybe yesterday i just needed so many greens
and i wanted to color white
but all the white was sitting just beside me
and you know what i couldn’t use, ironically?
the black
and i kept thinking, if i use the black
it will make it look ugly
it’ll close the flow of colors because black is just so black
to have black is to ruin colors
and it felt personal and i could feel the lump in my heart poking

but then out of nowhere he says out loud
“you know black is not the color of evil? it’s actually red”
really, out of nowhere
i wasn’t even touching the black coloring pen
and it made me smile
because he understands
he touches the old gum and doesn’t even flinch
he can make the lump goes away
but when he’s not around
it just lurks back so viscously
and i know this can’t be
and sometimes i wonder
but then i remember to stop wondering
maybe my therapist is just busy

but yesterday it felt really good
so peaceful
that all i could think of today
all day
is the mandala
i want to color away
all my pain with

Posted on

Another one

there’s a pain in my heart
it’s like a lump but for my heart
and i can’t seem to make it go away
i tried to shop today
i went to my favorite shopping place
the one i loved since i was a teenager
the one i spent hours in trying on expensive outfits in the fitting rooms
with my best friend
and never buying any because they were
so expensive
and i went back today to that same shopping alley
and this time i had money to buy expensive outfits
but i didn’t have my best friend with me
and i could not find anything nice

and i felt that white bird that was always flying around
picking bread crumbs from between the cobbled stones
i found it dead
with its blood all over my hands
and it was no longer chirping anymore
and i still had the lump in my heart
and it is choking me, it’s groping me by the neck
and i cannot breathe
and suddenly i just wished in a heartbeat
to hear the bird chirping again

and so i texted my therapist
who i haven’t gone to for exactly a year
today is my first anniversary of dropping out of therapy
and hell has been breaking loose ever since
and i did try to go back to therapy i think maybe twice
and i thought about it a lot
but i always figured out a way to numb the lump
like hearing birds chirp
or taking myself shopping
or thinking of my best friend
but somehow today i couldn’t
numb the lump

and so my ex-therapist replies saying
the earliest appointment would be mid July
and i texted saying
“i may not need it then” with a sarcastic emoji
and she never texted me back
but she doesn’t understand i wasn’t being rude
or mean

i was just being needy
see this lump, it does go away
one way or another
but in the moment it hurts like a bitch
and the thing is
it never goes away forever
like a snowball it grows
with every numb
every bird
every dress
every loss
and i just couldn’t with it today
i really tried i even listened to all the right music
and i walked
and i spent time with my baby nephew
and i forced myself to eat an apricot
and i shopped without sale
and i was productive
but i still cannot breathe
the lump is so heavy
and i cannot bear it
and i wanted the therapist to help me understand
but she decided to ignore me
she has more important things to do
and that is fine i guess
i just wish i can one day be

as important