Today I can’t seem to get myself out of the bed, I am finding it so difficult to carry the lump as it is so so heavy. I opened my eyes and I could feel tears coming out of my eyes as if it’s been a long day and it was actually still 7am. And my legs wouldn’t move and my hands just rested on my chest and my heart keeps hurting and all I could think of is The Smiths song “Asleep”.
In Asleep, Morissey says
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go
Sing me to sleep
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go
There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well…
Bye, bye
Bye…
I don’t usually listen to it, for very obvious triggering reasons. But interestingly enough, whenever the lump is so painful that I cannot breathe, this song starts playing in my head, as if it were the background music of my life, and as if I needed a more depressing setting to complement the darkness I feel from the inside. And this morning I woke up thinking of Morissey when he first wrote this song and how loud the longing feeling of desire to escape felt in that moment, to a point where it was just so peaceful that the music was composed as a lullaby, romanticizing death and going away.
And I often stop at “There is a better world… there must be” and I start nodding my head because this is what I always tell myself and everyone around me, there must be a better life, or maybe a better way of living.
See I am sure there is a better way of living, but I don’t think I even know how to have fun like normal people. I am a very boring person and the things I enjoy are very boring and probably the only person who actually enjoys them is me. I don’t know how to dance; I’m too shy, and I don’t know how to be adventurous or spontaneous, or caught up in the moment. I know how to be uptight and full of feelings and making you feel like you are sitting with a 65 years old. And because I am too boring I am often scared of losing people because I am sure they will find someone who is more interesting and fun and they will forget about me, while I am still stuck in my bed struggling to get myself up.
Maybe I am fun and I don’t know it, I don’t know what nice things I have, maybe I can remember in other times, but now I don’t and it’s been a while I haven’t heard it from someone else, but it’s okay, people aren’t expected to say nice things to each other all the time. Maybe I need to get myself out of bed and see people to know…
Let this be the last time I write about this. Let it be my last days of struggling and tomorrow I wake up feeling like I could carry the lump and everything around it like I am the fucking champion of a wrestling competition. Let it be the last time (for now at least) that my legs feel so heavy that taking myself out of bed would be the biggest achievement I did this week.
Deep in the cell of my heart, I really want to go
Deep in the cell of my heart, I will feel so glad to go