there’s a pain in my heart
it’s like a lump but for my heart
and i can’t seem to make it go away
i tried to shop today
i went to my favorite shopping place
the one i loved since i was a teenager
the one i spent hours in trying on expensive outfits in the fitting rooms
with my best friend
and never buying any because they were
so expensive
and i went back today to that same shopping alley
and this time i had money to buy expensive outfits
but i didn’t have my best friend with me
and i could not find anything nice
and i felt that white bird that was always flying around
picking bread crumbs from between the cobbled stones
i found it dead
with its blood all over my hands
and it was no longer chirping anymore
and i still had the lump in my heart
and it is choking me, it’s groping me by the neck
and i cannot breathe
and suddenly i just wished in a heartbeat
to hear the bird chirping again
and so i texted my therapist
who i haven’t gone to for exactly a year
today is my first anniversary of dropping out of therapy
and hell has been breaking loose ever since
and i did try to go back to therapy i think maybe twice
and i thought about it a lot
but i always figured out a way to numb the lump
like hearing birds chirp
or taking myself shopping
or thinking of my best friend
but somehow today i couldn’t
numb the lump
and so my ex-therapist replies saying
the earliest appointment would be mid July
and i texted saying
“i may not need it then” with a sarcastic emoji
and she never texted me back
but she doesn’t understand i wasn’t being rude
or mean
i was just being needy
see this lump, it does go away
one way or another
but in the moment it hurts like a bitch
and the thing is
it never goes away forever
like a snowball it grows
with every numb
every bird
every dress
every loss
and i just couldn’t with it today
i really tried i even listened to all the right music
and i walked
and i spent time with my baby nephew
and i forced myself to eat an apricot
and i shopped without sale
and i was productive
but i still cannot breathe
the lump is so heavy
and i cannot bear it
and i wanted the therapist to help me understand
but she decided to ignore me
she has more important things to do
and that is fine i guess
i just wish i can one day be
as important