All my life, I’ve been trying to avoid lashing out at people that sometimes I don’t know how to lash out anymore. My tantrums aren’t many, and rarely do I fight with anyone. It’s just that if we fought or if I got angry and said all the things I might or might not mean, it will probably hurt me more than it will hurt you, so I avoid it altogether.
I’ve become immune to offense and criticism; both don’t affect me. I never know when I’m offended, and when someone in front of me is angry, I think I’m pretty good at absorbing the anger.
I’ve built a quite thick facade and normally do not show my anger unless it’s at home or with my family, and even that is not as occasional, but I have times when I’m upset, and my mum is just there, and I lash out.
Then I feel bad and apologize or continue to feel bad until I see my therapist, and he tells me that lashing out and being mean sometimes does not make me a bad person. Still, it hurts me more than it should.
Today, I was about to get into a really bad fight. I was mad like I was never before; the anger that makes you cry or murderous. It was just too much; the scene I was in was hurtful; I felt like exactly what happened and how it happened is the reason for my trust issues and why I’m so messed up. I was furious at the irrelevant situation I was put in; I don’t deserve to be here, I don’t deserve to feel all of this.
And then I froze. I detached myself from everything going on around me, I left the French fries I was making half cooked, I wiped off my tears, and I’ve been lying on my bed for four hours, unable to talk.
I can feel a little fire in my chest, and a few tears still burning to come out, but I’m frozen. I can’t eat, I can’t move, I can’t talk. I’m stuck and I don’t know how to proceed.
I’ve had my silences before, but this scene’s new to me, and I’m not sure it’ll stick with me. I think it hurts less because I’m not hurting anyone but myself, which is always a bonus. But I do hope I get rid of my anger before it gets rid of me.
I’m looking forward to tomorrow because I will see people who make me laugh and happy.
I like laughing and being happy. I do.