It might be because now that I share this with people I know, I might be feeling exposed, and I might want to tiptoe around my days and keep it vague and to rethink what I say or write in and label as “acceptable” to publish, and we all know I don’t do that. And it may be because I’m not as sad anymore, and I tend to like writing when I’m sad.
It worried me at first, that I can’t write unless I’m sad and that my blog is going to be depressing, but a friend told me that most famous writers write because they are sad and all successful books were born out of sadness, so that consoles me. I don’t know the reason why I’m not as keen to write anymore, but suddenly I don’t want you in.
Suddenly, I want to keep the things happening in my life to myself. Suddenly, I’m keeping a distance from the people I love the most and trying to shy away in the shadows. I even talk less now, which I am not liking. But I often find myself distracted from the situation I’m in and living in my own small world. Suddenly, I don’t feel like talking or sharing things with you. Is it because now I am convinced that you don’t care? I don’t know.
But suddenly I really want to know your real opinion of me; how you see me? And what am I to you? I need to sort it out so I know who to get close to and who to leave behind. I don’t know why this is as hard; why can’t I have normal friendships and relationships with people.
I tend to like you today and then tomorrow I want nothing to do with you, and the next week I would want you again and I would get upset because you’re no longer around. And it’s frustrating. That I can’t control people as I want to. That I can’t make you do or say the things I want. That you can’t read my mind and be there for me without me asking. (Also, I still wish you text me, please)