I’m changing

The past week, I think I was floating. I’m not sure I can describe exactly what happened or what I’m feeling, which is why I couldn’t write all week, but it seems so odd that I need to put it out here somewhere.

I’m not sure if it’s because I took a week off the week before for the first time in forever, and it let me breathe and recharge and give the chemicals in my brain a chance to rest, or if I’m finally taking that step forward and getting closer to healing.

Everything and everyone’s still in their place; they’re still the same; I’m just seeing them differently. I am noticing people more than before, I’m seeing a certain somebody in a different light, and even though I absolutely do not want this, it’s still a nice feeling.

I’m slowly returning to preferring being alone with people, which means the voices aren’t as loud anymore, and I can now go back again to spending time alone without being scared of suffocating. I’m going back to relying less on people for comfort and relying more on my safe alone time.

I’m trying so hard to stay calm and not get agitated as easily, and I’m failing badly so many times, but I’m also succeeding a lot, and it makes me happy. Little progress, one at a time. I’m reappreciating the smalls things. I’m feeling a nice little shade of white, clarity, purity.

I mean, it’s about time, right? I’ve been in therapy for six months, with the first three months in extensive therapy, and I had my first psychological counseling session last week at work; I’m writing this blog and sharing it, spending more time with family and friends, working out my issues, reorganizing my life. I am trying so hard. So. Hard.

I’ve even regained weight, and a lot are complimenting me for it, that now I look much prettier than before. But this might also have to do with the fact that it’s colder and that my summer seasonal depression is slowly fading; I’m always more glowing during winter.

*me to me* see? I don’t only post sadness. I can appreciate the nice times too. *smiles awkwardly to myself*

For now, pray with me that our week turns out to be wonderful. After today’s major anxieties, please, please please let it be a peaceful and happy week for all of us.

Also, I just discovered this little peaceful song. It’s a cover for a famous cultural Algerian song, so you can listen to both, if you want. 🙂