For those of you who know, know, and for those who don’t, well, you know now. I’m still in my fourth day of symptoms, but my anxiety is slowly easing up, and I’m more relieved that tomorrow is the fifth day and tomorrow we’ll know the result of my family (hoping for the best, please God.)
Aside from my physical symptoms, the psychological ones almost killed me; I couldn’t stop crying for three days straight; I even woke up at night to continue crying and then go back to sleep. My anxiety mainly went into three phases;
Phase 1 was when I first knew the panic of having infected anyone at all, and especially my friends who have high-risk family members; it suffocated me. I couldn’t not think that I will be the reason behind their pain, any pain, and that I might kill them and go through so much all because of me.
Phase 2 was the shame, the shame of carrying something that isn’t really my fault, yet it felt like it is. The shame of contracting a virus in the middle of a pandemic. It made me feel like I started COVID-19; it was born and bred in me as if I created this virus, and I killed people with it knowingly and not knowingly.
Phase 3 was the extreme guilt that I might be the reason behind my family getting the virus. This is the worst part, and I’m still very stressed about it, but less stressed as tomorrow we can know. They don’t have any symptoms, and we’re all being extremely careful, and I’m taking all precautions, so I do hope from the bottom of my heart that they remain safe and healthy.
But the anxiety is a beating, more than anything. I’m scared for my family more than anything, but I guess I’m trying to think that if it happens, it happens. I didn’t choose to get sick, and I definitely didn’t choose to infect my family if I did. It’s a pandemic, and I fought it for almost 8 months, and with my weak immunity, that is something.
Yesterday was exceptionally scary for me, as I spent my new years eve alone in a room, it’s something I was always afraid of. I had my dinner, ate cake, wrote here a little, watched some Friends, and slept at 11pm because I was sleep and because what even is the point?
Today I lost my sense of smell and taste, adding to my fatigue and back pain symptoms. I’m also sneezing today, which makes me panic more. John Mayer has been helping me a lot these few days, so I’m grateful for him.
It’ll pass, I hope it does.