I hope you never know this is about you – There were times when I wanted you closer, even though you were sitting right next to me. There were times when I looked in your eyes and listened to every word you said and I wanted you to talk more and I wanted this moment to be longer than it was, a moment, and stay there.
There were times when I was at my most vulnerable, and you staggered around me and chose to linger by. There were times where you chose me over everyone, leaving them waiting and decided to be with me, and it touched my empty heart. There were times when my guts were burning, and my heart was throbbing, and my head was twinging, and you walked by and silenced all the voices with a random story about goats and yogurt.
There were times when I wanted to share my sadness yet I remembered you are my happy place and sharing my sadness with you meant letting you in to my life and I didn’t want to let you in, I wanted you to remain a happy place outside the sadness, I wanted you to still see me as innocent and far rather than see the darkness that feed upon me.
Most of the people in my life walk away once they get closer, because they can’t bear my sadness. I never force anyone to bear anything, but they linger by and insist on being closer to me, and then I share and stand there bear and show the colors of my sadness, and they decide it’s too much for them, so they leave and I remain there, naked and exposed. “You got too depressive for me,” some said, and others thought.
And I didn’t, don’t, want that to happen with you. I want you to stay where you are, and I don’t want you outside that frame, because I know how this might go, and I know this might end.
We started as casual talkers, laughing at my childish behavior and your smart talk. Then you decided you wanted to know me more, then you decided you want to spend all your free time with me, and now even though you have no time to spend with me, you still choose me.
You ask all the right questions, and you look straight into my soul with your wide eyes and your dentist-like smile waiting to hear me out, and it makes me feel very special for a moment or two until I remember that it’ll probably won’t stay like this for long.
You’ll probably shorten your time with me, not because I don’t mean anything to you, but because it meant to me more than it meant to you. Or I’ll probably share with you my sadness, and you don’t deserve that kind of responsibility, and you’ll probably leave me be.
The thing is, I want to share you, I want to show you off. I want to tell more stories that define you and specifics that happened like the stories you tell me and our incidents and shenanigans. Yet, I fear of a moment of weakness, where I get too stupid and share this blog with you, and you read this and sit there frightened to your core, because this was never your means and intentions, and you never wanted to read about yourself on somebody’s depressive blog.
And I don’t want that. This is why I’ll keep you in the frame I have put you in, this is why I won’t allow myself to think of you outside that frame, I won’t allow you outside, I won’t allow you close. I won’t call you a friend, I won’t put a label on you and I will not talk about you to many people.
That way if you left, for whatever reason, it’ll be okay, and I’ll still cherish you and I’ll remember your laugh and smart jokes and think to myself, ‘even though he’s not in my life anymore, and even though his memories are pretty, I am not upset because he did not leave because of my sadness, and I respect anyone leaving for anything except that.‘