An explanation (?)

An explanation was written in September, before my leave.

Not an explanation actually. I just feel like I need to write this down, to have whatever I am thinking of outside me and not just inside my mind.

I have so many things flying through my mind, but none seem to make sense if I write them down. I guess what I am trying to do here is to justify myself and explain to you why I am acting whatever way I am, that is, if you even noticed at all, that is, if it is not only just in my head.

For those of you who might have noticed, I am distanced, and I might be acting defensively, a childish behavior, a mean attitude, in arrogance. If that is how you see me, then I am sorry; I did not mean to act like this or make you feel this way. It just changes are coming, and I am scared.

See, I have a coping mechanism to deal with all the bad things thrown our way. And I’m not saying I am any special, that I suffer more than you do; I am not special, at all.

I just have some problem that I am working on extensively in therapy, and that is I feel responsible for the pain of everyone.

I am responsible for poverty, unemployment, the crumpling education system, the legal injustice of women, the homeless, the orphans, the sick, the elderly. I am responsible for my mum’s exhaustion, my dad’s despair, my sisters’ pain. I am responsible for my friends not being happy enough, not reaching what they want to do. I am responsible for not doing everything perfectly at work, for all the mistakes that have been made by me and by everyone else that I have nothing to do with.

And this creates a lot of scenarios. I am responsible for unemployment, and I do not deserve to work. I am responsible for poverty, and I do not deserve to have money. I am responsible for the orphans and I do not deserve to have parents.

I am responsible for my friends’ problems because I was not there to solve them, I am responsible for my sister’s pain because I do not spend enough time with her, I am responsible for my mum being angry because I do not see her a lot. It is my responsibility, it is all my fault.

I am responsible for all of that, and the more painful responsibility I carry, the more tired I become. I am working on myself through, I promise, and I am getting better. But it takes time to take all that burden off my shoulders. It will take me some time, and I will eventually be guilt-free, and get rid of all the bizarre things that I have no control over whatsoever.