Today was not a bad day, it started with a nice labneh sandwich and is ending with me drinking tea and writing this. The fact that it’s 9:57 pm and I’m not working is satisfying by itself. Satisfying enough that I’m listening to Drake.
It’s just, Mondays have been so long. They are the beginning of a week and it’s a killer. I’ve become corporate; looking forward for the weekend and feeling like hell on a Monday.
I never felt this way before. I looked forward to Mondays during university because I loved university so much, and the same with my previous job. I didn’t like the weekends.
It’s not that I hate my job, because I don’t. I’m used to it and it’s becoming a scene I might finally fit into. It’s a provider for my actual life, and God, I am most grateful. But I have grown to hate Mondays, and I am looking forward to Saturdays.
I keep wondering lately about people and their lives. Do they feel the same way I feel? Are they as mentally ill or mentally confused? Do they think of the meaning and concept and existence of work as much as I do? Should it be this hard?
My mum wouldn’t like me using “mentally ill” to describe myself. Sorry, mum, I don’t know what to call it, myself. It’s just, is it as hard on everyone to wake up in the morning feeling like you absolutely do not want to wake up, ever?
I wonder what it feels like to feel a sense of belonging to all your life, not just a part of it or a person in it. Does anyone have that, the feeling of complete belonging?
Is it then, when we fully belong, that we feel happy? When we actually belong to our life and not just that moment when we see our person or that moment when we are in that safe place?
I don’t know. I don’t know if what I felt before was what I search for now. Maybe, but I don’t know. For now, I thank God another Monday has passed.