Unfinished drafts compilation

Hi, hello, and welcome to the unfinished drafts compilation saga. By reading this, you will benefit nothing-except wasting time and possibly losing some competent brain cells. I, however, will achieve my long-lasting dream of having no pending drafts and start my 2022 free and with new mundane stressors to obsess over. 🙂

I am currently listening to party music, which might not relate very much to the tone of this post. For each post, I will-or might-introduce the background and context behind the writing; most of these posts are unfinished because of 1) lack of time and/or 2) writer’s block and/or 3) too mentally hard to continue.

Some are only titles because sometimes a phrase or word compels me so much that I decide to write a whole post about it-but due to lack of time (and energy), the post never sees the light. I might get back to them later. Anywhoooooo, without further ado, these are my unfinished posts for 2021(:

#1 – Take me to Naples

Date: January 15, 2021.
Background: I am in love with Italy, the ’60s, Sophia Loren, old movies.
Post:

Take me to Naples in the 1960s. Take me to Naples, where Sophia Loren danced to Americano in front of Clark Gable and where Neapolitans sold fish in the morning at the fish market and sang l’Italiano in bars in the afternoons.

Take me to Naples, where violence and unrest were allies, and people were too modest for the luxury life. Take me to a Naples of women dancing with torn dresses next to the Miseno with cheap jewelry around their necks. Take me to Naples, the city that was destroyed 100 times during world war and its people still belly danced their nights away.

#2 We don’t talk about Sophia Loren as much as we should

Date: January 18, 2021
Background: I still want to talk about Sophia Loren. She needs to be talked about. Soon, soon.

#3 I can’t think of you. I can’t even entertain your thought in my head.

Date: January 26, 2021

#4 21 days in solitary confinement

Date: January 30, 2021
Background: I wanted to write a diary of my days with COVID-19, but I got too discouraged.

Post:

I honestly do not know where to begin. As a journalist student, I thought of this post on the very third day of my isolation. It’s a habit we develop to see everything as a story and think of how it’ll look on paper.

It is solitary confinement, being punished for something we didn’t do, but it happens to the best of us, I guess, and for now, I’m glad it did, and I am so very glad it’s over. For a very people-orient person and someone who is out almost every waking hour of the day, being put in a four-wall room for 21 days cannot be easy.

The first few days were the hardest, of course. I felt chained by the throat, and it felt like the walls were closing in on me every second of every day. I think the hardest thing is that I did not choose to be here, I was forced to, and I hate someone else deciding what I should do; it makes me feel as if I don’t have control over my life.

#5 Teach me how to focus

Date: February 2, 2021
Background: working from home during lockdown,
Post:

Guys and gals, my attention span is so bad.

I was reading “Administrative Guidelines for Offices on the Novel Coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic” shared by our head of office, and I suddenly found myself playing chess with a computer, so I was like; “Nour, you need to focus.” So I started searching for ways to increase my focus and attention, and then I remembered that I was reading the guideline, so I went to read it, and I found myself writing this. Then I suddenly stopped writing, and I was watching the music video of Hasta Siempre.

THE GUIDELINE NOUR THE GUIDELINE

Or I can be reading “all poems and speeches about Che Guevara.”

What do you usually do to get yourself to focus? Or finish tasks you really don’t want to do? I procrastinate and read poems on Che Guevara. Is there any other, healthier way?

#6 So the wind won’t blow it all away

Date: February 4, 2021

#7

Date: March 1, 2021
Background: I wanted to write about my dad, the two weeks of him being sick and the doctor saying he is going to die. But I couldn’t continue writing it, I still can’t (he didn’t die).
Post:

It’s raining. I’m listening to new nice songs, I just ate, and the three weeks of work madness is over. It feels right; I feel okay.

Two weeks ago today, I didn’t think I would ever live a happy day again; I thought I was going to lose my happiness

#8 The women victims of war: rape as a weapon of war and means of ethnic cleansing

Date: March 11, 2021

#9 Success & resolutions

Date: March 27, 2021
Background: this one’s too funny because I could not even finish the sentence and write the year.
Post:

It’s almost April, and I have yet to write down my resolutions for

#10 Golden

Date: May 10, 2021
Background: I had an epiphany, and I was obsessed with this song.
Post:

To be running in a meadow of green and beauty

#11

Date: September 24, 2021
Background: this would have been cute if I actually did finish it.
Post:

It’s Friday (!), and I’m in the office, and the people at the other end of the floor are listening to All You Need Is Love by The Beatles, which of course made me smile to myself and made me realize, it’s the end of the week.

This week? It has been well, the workload is insane, and I am still lagging so, so, much even though I’m coming an hour early and leaving hours after, and I just remembered that my work week only started on Wednesday- I had an incredible two days getaway on Monday and Tuesday.


Done, thank you, lovely ladies and gentlemen.

Three days until 2022 and I am confused

Five minutes until my work hours finish and three days until 2022, and I have a lot to say, meaning I will write very little. Lol. I’m just going to say that this December, just like other Decembers, has been incredible, spent with incredible people, and it was safe again. Now that December has ended, just like the summer, the safety is slowly vanishing, and I am again searching for ways to overcome the emptiness.

Do your colleagues work less during the last week of December too? No one is coming to the office, and I only received 12 emails today, and I’m like? Weren’t y’all crying from work just a few days ago?

Don’t get me wrong; I am happy my colleagues are resting and taking some days off to reflect, relax, and party their lives aways. It’s just that I need as many people around me at the office as I can get, especially this week. Being the only person working on the whole floor surely isn’t the drug I need right now.

I will be writing my resolutions this year, I promise. I have written yearly resolutions for years that I found really useful and fed into my hysteria of organizing my time and achieving, but 2020 was so bizarre and hilariously awful that I am in the last week of December. I still have not written my resolutions for 2021.

So I decided to skip 2021 resolutions, bounce around and see where it gets me. It got me very high, I must say. It was a wonderful year, filled with so much love and so much pain. But this is for a later post – maybe. Hihi.

Other than writing my 2021 resolutions and sharing them with you, pretty peeps, I will also publish all of my unfinished drafts. I have 15 drafts, and they DRIVE me CRAZY because of UNFINISHED WORK!!!?! And I wanted so bad to finish them, but I haven’t. I decided to publish unfinished in one post and try to finish others that I deem important (for me) to be written and shared. 🙂

For now, I shall leave my chair and walk to Mounira, my lovely car.

See ya later, alligator.

Monday chronicles and I feel like a slug

monday

It’s a Monday again; I feel like I write so much about Mondays that I might create a category for it, and I know chronicles do not fit in this context, but I like the word, and I never know how to use it so since it’s my blog I am keeping it and expect no judgments.

Speaking of Monday and my blog, I just installed Monster Insight(!). It turns out Monster Insight offers AIOSEO. Despite always saying I am happy my blog does not have any of that websites SEO obligations, the little organizer in me is joyful. The downside of this is that now I will be focusing on having a good SEO score. I would change titles, introductions, and Metabase to stay on the green lane because if I do not obsess over idealism, then that is not how I roll.

It could be fun, no? Wasn’t Monica always talking about structured fun, and that worked out well for her?

Anyway, you won’t notice it much. It is all internal addition of words and maybe lengthening the title and one post taking me forever to publish because my page analysis has to turn green more than red. Or else my Monday would not be as frivolous as I want.

I’m blabbing, I know. It’s just that this is my first Monday working at home since forever because this is my first Monday since forever without a considerable workload. It’s not that I don’t have anything on my plate, but the tasks I need to start are humungous, and I decided I will be starting them tomorrow.

monday

I had my driving lesson this morning, and I treated myself to a Nescafe nestle from a street express. And now I am (finally) sorting out some blog stuff before getting deep into work shenanigans. Blog work makes me so happy because I feel like I am structuring my life and updating and changing and organizing, and it’s soothing, hence the good mood to write.

Leaving you with this for now. Talk soon, and I hope you’re well, safe, and happy!

Fyi, my AIOSEO score is 98/100(:

Let us be the generation of equity & equality

Happy Thursday all, and happy International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women and the beginning of the #16DaysOfActivism Against Gender-Based Violence. Even though ending GBV is long overdue and still a long shot ahead, kudos to all the humans out there working to create safer spaces for girls, more accepting places for women, and a tiny bit more inclusive generation.

We often use #GenerationEquality at work, and it’s a phrase very dear to my heart because I very much believe it. I believe in an equal generation, and I believe in a generation achieving equality, and I believe in generation equality.

Now I can go into the historical details of Generation Equality and the agenda, but later, maybe. You can find all about it here. It’s more of a roadmap to achieving gender equality, a sustainable development goal, and it’s an inspiring frame of work that puts hope in the emerging generations.

From CEDAW to Beijing 1995, to the many significant conferences that helped in setting women’s rights on the map of development, those were all led by academics, scholars, and experts in gender studies and women’s rights. Icons who dedicated their lives to understanding behavioral change and society and the way to move forward with respect to communities. They have pinned down the steps needed to achieve, realistically, equality between women, men, and individuals identified as none.

However, and despite the inspiration they represent, they were all adults, and they were all intellects. This is definitely not a bad thing, and I definitely am not one to have any say in that, but just like law and order, intellects represent the base for any fundamental right, and it is the common people’s duty to execute. I believe that human rights, especially women’s rights, are more born with us than taught to us. Human rights are for all, and not only those who seek education. They are for the youths and the people living in this world and trying to make it a bit happier and safer.

I am talking about us, and particularly Gen Z, the generation that was born between 1997-2012, following millennials. This generation is often criticized to be raised by the social media and the internet, but, tbh, I rather have children raised by social media than a retrograde mentality of older generations.

As I was born in 1997, I cannot say I belong entirely to Gen Z, but I have walked on its surface and have witnessed it emerge, and I am beyond impressed. This generation is fascinating, and I am forever profoundly astonished by how developed, proud, empowered, and feminist it is.

It is mostly all about the trends, I know. However, the limitless online spaces have opened up opportunities for individuals who never had a chance to exist, let alone be accepted, within their communities. Twitter has made it okay for everyone to be who they are, with no filters, and has accepted them not despite their differences but because of their differences.

Tell me now, how else would have the LGBTQAI+ community find its voice in conservative communities if it were not for social media normalizing being you, exquisitely unfiltered, and accepting you solely for that? How else would we have heard of #BLM and supported it? How else would have western communities heard of the Palestinian struggle and marched against apartheid if it were not for the online sphere? How else would we have become comfortable with our body silhouettes, curves, birthmarks, flaws if it were not for posts and stories explaining that flawless beauty in magazines IS NOT real?

I have been working for the most prominent women’s rights organization globally for a year and a half, and I have colleagues who have worked in the feminist field for years, and I have seen Gen Z individuals use pronouns and inoffensive language more effortlessly and correctly than all of us. I have been learning so much from Gen Z youths; their acceptance/endorsement of another, their fight for women and trans individuals and equality, and I am in awe of how ‘woke‘ 16 years olds are, more than I or anyone ever was at that age (or any age).

I know it is not all sugarplum, I am not delusional. I know there is still so, so, much negativity and discrimination and bullying, especially among teens. I know social media has created [new] drastic problems and insecurities for teenagers, and God knows, it had created a few for me and still does, but it is not all bad either. I

t has given a haven for bullied persons to speak up, for lonely teens to find friends, for individuals with mental health disorders to find similar people and relate to them.

I have so many examples of what I am rambling about; I have all the evidence and proofs and stories to back up my argument. But this is already a very long post so I will stop here and continue in a part (2) later.

This is a feminist generation, we know it, we acknowledge it, and we feel it. This is a generation that refused any sort of sexist word, let alone any abuse. This is a generation that stood up against violence and called out the smallest abusive actions for what they really are: violence that needs to stop. This is generation equality, and I am so proud to be a part of it.

It’s my fault

It’s my fault

forgive me,
It's me,
I do that to people
And then I complain when they leave me 


Forgive me for letting you
Take me for granted
I do that
I do that a lot


I let you feel like 
The most beautiful person on earth
The smartest
The funniest
The closest
I tell you how important you are
To me,
To the world
I build you strong
I give you everything 
I prioritize you over me
I put you up so high
And then I get upset when you
Start stepping on me

And then I turn around, 
Expecting you to be there
And you're not there
You're never there
And I wonder, whatever did I do wrong?
Did I love you too hard?
Or is it that you couldn't love me enough? 
Or maybe I just don't deserve the love I expect 
And I decide to leave
To leave you
And you lose that source that gave you love 
And you wonder
And you think I am the bad for leaving
But what can I do? What can I say? 
Can I tell you
Or would you even listen
If I asked you
Why didn't you love me enough?
Why were you not there?
Why didn't you try harder?

How can you tell someone
That they are supposed to care about you
Just like you care about them
How can you tell someone
That if I need them I expect them to be here
Now
And not
In February
When they have time to spare

Forgive me,
But you drained the love out of me
I am exhausted and I have no love
To give back
Forgive me,
But I cannot forgive you for what you did and are doing 
To me

Everybody leaves

Everybody leaves. Maybe I’m a bit too hard to love, and maybe it takes a little more effort to stay with me, an effort you don’t want to make, and maybe I am not worthy at all to care and be cared for, and maybe this is why no one’s here when I need them, or even when I don’t. 

Maybe I’m just a little too ugly, a little too loud, a little too much, and there are so much more important things in your life you can’t really bother with someone as broken as I am, and I don’t blame you for that.

I would never blame you for leaving, because why would you not? I blame myself for staying without really looking twice if you’d really care if I stay or leave. I blame myself for making myself think that I could ever be worthy of this, of all of this. 

I blame myself, for caring too hard, for loving too much, for putting you first when you really didn’t care to put me second. I blame myself for giving you my all and when I wanted you to give me a little, you weren’t even here.

Maybe it is me, maybe I give so much that I make you independent  of me, maybe I encourage you to use me and only come to me when you’re bored. Maybe I have taken the role of the prostitute in your life; you come for a night of pleasure and throw me away the very next morning. Maybe it is me, I am too broken beyond repair and you didn’t want to put up with that. 

I know you love me, but not because you care about me, but because I care about you and you need that. This is why you are never here in my low points or high points,you only come for yourself and never for me. And it’s okay, I understand that, it’s just me who anticipates shit that isn’t there.

Thing is, I expect you to neglect me. I expect you to do less and care less despite what you think or feel. I expect  you to forget me, to leave me, I expect the worst of you because I expect so little of me and I will never believe you can actually care.

And the funny thing is, you didn’t really prove me wrong. You haven’t really proved to me you care, and you have mastered the skill of neglect, and you have endeavored the act of me chasing you that now it has become a confidence booster to you. 

Maybe I’m too awful to love. Maybe my skin’s a bit unclear and my double chin is a bit too obvious and my voice is fucking terrible to listen to. Maybe my lisp is too annoying and my hunchback is disgusting and my clothings are a bit too chabby. 

And this is why I will leave. Because you make me feel like the cheapest doll and I don’t want to reach the point where you break my plastic body and throw me in the garbage. I will leave because you make me feel all those things, you make me feel like a beast and, forgive me, but I no longer want to feel that way.

Books I need to read and get

My friend always makes fun of me for hoarding books and reading so little, and as much as I would like to punch him in the face when he points this out, I also know it is painfully true.

It is not that I am one of those people who buy books just to look smart, I love love love love reading, but I just don’t have time most days. I often get to my bed late at night or after exhaustion has eaten my brain, and as I lay there with my book beside me, I can barely read the title. All the focus I had was long gone at the first sip of my Diel coffee this morning and editing Golda’s story and desperately trying to fill out an F10 form.

I honestly want to read, I really do, and I even read two books the last two months and started with another two that I am reading at the same time, which I don’t exactly like to do, and I really would like an extra hour or two to read more.

But instead, I usually go back home too tired to think that I attend up binge-watching Netflix.

Nope, no mister, not today. Today, I will be skipping the gym to read, and as I finish all my tasks in due time ( 🙂 ), I am leaving the office no later than 5:30 pm, and I will read. I promise myself, I will read.

However, I also REALLY want these three books, but I feel guilty to buy them as I bought five last month, which I still did not start with. So what I will be doing is I will finish two or three books by December, which will make it easier for me to buy more books because, hey, I am consuming(:

The books I want are:

The Blind Assasin by Margaret Atwood

A Doll’s House by Henrik Ibsen

Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur (poems)

The Big Sleep by Raymond Chandler

Farewell My Lovely by Raymond Chandler

Oops. Looks like they’re five books. Lol. I know I’ll be getting two of them mid-December, but the rest, I would need to book hunt.

Let me update my calendar now and leave the office. It’s time to go home, folks.

A letter to the lover of Frank Sinatra

(This has been written a while ago)

Frank Sinatra sings to his lover

He says she is his only way of life

The only way he knows

Did she listen? Did she cry?

Because my lover never listens,

He kisses the lips of another

And I die.

The autumn leaves fall down the streets

Soon to aloof the mighty tree

And as I reminisce your memories, I think of my defeats

I think of the ways you held me and the way you are holding she

The autumn is upon us

Just like the mighty tree, I stand unprepared

For the nostalgia I feel inside my guts

Thinking of all the music you sang and all the words left unheard

I think of you, you who has abandoned me

You who ripped my heart out of my body

Yet you refused to set me free

You who left me with eyes so soggy

And slow danced with somebody that isn’t me

You drank your bloody wine

Held her sweaty hands into the night

Walked our streets with her under a moon so divine

Took her to my place, my chair, my light, despite

Tell me something now

While drunk did you

Slur your words and my name allow

To escape your lips, now tell me how

You took her into your arms

Saw my face on hers

Held her closer to see

The agonized soul of mine

Looking into the dead eyes of thou

Do you think of me when you are with her

Drunk and desperate, sulking into her embrace

Do you reminisce on where you are now and where you were

Do you see her the way I do, an ebony crow with such disgrace

And when you sober up and remember it isn’t I,

Does your heart sink to your legs, do you lie

And from her you shy

Do you chug your coffee 

Light your cigarette, my memories deny 

I wonder if Frank Sinatra, writhed in pain

When he realized that lovers like mine and his

Cannot feel love

That all the words we rhyme go in vein

I wonder if he knows all that and still loves her

Just as much as I love you

Are you smelling pineapple and mango?

It’s my pineapple and mango candle.

Just showered, and my hot and long shower gave me a bit of energy I have not felt for the past four days. I just ate the remaining of my 3-day old Japanese cheesecake, brushed my teeth, hugged mum, and right now I lit my candle and I am smelling the sweet scents of mangos. 

It was draining, the past two weeks, and even though I’ve had beautiful days, I still haven’t recovered and this affected my anxiety, a lot. Yesterday my social anxiety was at its peak that it reminded me of a particular horrid night back in 2017 and right now I feel a bit discouraged. How come I am still going through stuff I went through in 2017, despite my surreal efforts of working on myself and being? Aren’t I supposed to be growing, moving forward, and not regressing?

Meh, I guess I’m a bit harder to fix. It’s exhausting. It’s not that I expect myself to be a monk within two years, but at least leave the past in the past. I cannot keep going through the same things and hide in the turtle shell I have built.

It’s Thursday. The idea of work tomorrow and the 2 weeks old unopened emails is making my brain hurt. I am looking forward to a slow weekend, where even if I didn’t go out, I would still have time to reflect and reminisce, I usually need this to keep the memories alive and the reasons to not die, eccentric?

Good night for now my loves, hope you had a fabulous second week of November. Also, any song recommendations? I kinda need one.  

The predator

A poem to a predator

You who lurk into a girl’s soul and abuse it

How could you?

How could you lay a finger unwanted? A kiss undesired? A glimpse unallowed?

You who thought, so narcissistically, to feed your disgusting desire with the pain of a girl

How could you?

How could you hear her groan as you lay a finger in a place unwanted and think it is thirst?

How could you kiss her? How could you allow your chapped pale lips to smudge the holiness of hers?

How could you touch her skin and leave her body burning for eternity?

How could you consent yourself inside her, treat your lust as superior and her as a weakling,

How could you see the tear go down her face and still roll your eyes in pleasure?

No, she did not invite you in. She did not lead you on. She did not lure you to her.

She could be standing before you;

Naked from head to toe;

Swirling her feet;

Biting her lips;

Chewing her hair;

Pole dancing;

With a bottle of Absinthe;

Mouthing unholy slurs;

And if she says no to you,

You do not so much as look at her with crave.

Who are you, the unbeing of beings

To kill a child, a girl, a woman,

To watch a child, a girl, a woman,

Choke in fear

In depression

In tear

Because of a hand

An abnormally ugly hand

You used to ruin her

To ruin any effort of survival

To ruin any chance of a haven

No, it is not just a word,

A touch,

A finger,

A hand,

A kiss,

A sniff,

A look,

A one-time,

A one person,

A photograph,

No it is not just a thing,

It is throwing her off a plane

And expecting her to land on her feet and continue walking.

See, your nasty innuendos, you throwing her off a plane, will not kill her

She will land on the ground, with broken feet, a damaged memory

A disabled kidney

A mutilated skin

A chronic headache

A sob that refuses to cease

A pain that the demons cannot bear

She will live her life with all these diseases, illnesses,

Mental, physical, and social imbalance

Look at other people and wonder why

She was not lucky enough to live a normal life

To smile like the other girls

To play with no fear

To feel anything but desperate

And shame

And embarrassment

And blame

And dirty

Only because

You chose to lay a finger in a place you should not have.

How could you?

Inspired by a Norwegian play my wholesome friend and I watched until 3am, on my last night in Dubai