Category: Relatable music

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Babel – another post about Monday

Today was not a bad day, it started with a nice labneh sandwich and is ending with me drinking tea and writing this. The fact that it’s 9:57 pm and I’m not working is satisfying by itself. Satisfying enough that I’m listening to Drake.

It’s just, Mondays have been so long. They are the beginning of a week and it’s a killer. I’ve become corporate; looking forward for the weekend and feeling like hell on a Monday.

I never felt this way before. I looked forward to Mondays during university because I loved university so much, and the same with my previous job. I didn’t like the weekends.

It’s not that I hate my job, because I don’t. I’m used to it and it’s becoming a scene I might finally fit into. It’s a provider for my actual life, and God, I am most grateful. But I have grown to hate Mondays, and I am looking forward to Saturdays.

I keep wondering lately about people and their lives. Do they feel the same way I feel? Are they as mentally ill or mentally confused? Do they think of the meaning and concept and existence of work as much as I do? Should it be this hard?

My mum wouldn’t like me using “mentally ill” to describe myself. Sorry, mum, I don’t know what to call it, myself. It’s just, is it as hard on everyone to wake up in the morning feeling like you absolutely do not want to wake up, ever?

I wonder what it feels like to feel a sense of belonging to all your life, not just a part of it or a person in it. Does anyone have that, the feeling of complete belonging?

Is it then, when we fully belong, that we feel happy? When we actually belong to our life and not just that moment when we see our person or that moment when we are in that safe place?

I don’t know. I don’t know if what I felt before was what I search for now. Maybe, but I don’t know. For now, I thank God another Monday has passed.

Please do yourself a favor and listen to Babel by Gustavo Santaolalla, the original and the Otnicka remix. It’s an absolute beauty.

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Karma police

https://www.pinterest.ch/pin/141581982023684027/?nic_v2=1a5ftM5BT

It’s funny how we can associate a song with a whole emotion, how a memory can live in a 4 minutes lyrical guff, or how we refuse to revert to a tranquil state without the music that reminds us of the peace.

Karma police

I’ve given all I can, it’s not enough

I’ve given all I can

Karma Police – Radiohead

It’s weird how therapeutic a playlist can be, or how destructive it is. The relationship we build with these songs, the universe of unbearable being, and beautiful silhouette, all in a 3 minutes tune.

Did you know?

The reason why the average song is 2:48 minutes is that in the old days, 2:48 minutes was the maximum length the people in the music industry could fit on one side of the old 7 single vinyl records.

How Om Koulthoum could sing and release an hour-long song is still beyond me.

I’m listening to Karma Police by Radiohead right now, but I have another song in mind for the nonsense I mean by writing this. I’d like to write a different blog about it, the song in mind, a different mood maybe? Because that’s my “I’m too sad to exist” kind of jam. It should be hyperlinked somewhere, once I get the courage to write about it.

I’m enjoying this music category because I get to write about my story with every song I love, and often these are stories I cherish. These are the stories and songs that got me through all the nooks and crannies until now.

Random NTR

I’m still unable to comprehend emotions. The overwhelming emotions are slowly being replaced with a painful void, and I do not know how to feel about it. I have a few things in my mind though;

  • 22 years are enough years for existing. I’ve done a lot, I’ve seen a lot. It’s okay to leave.
  • Tomorrow is Friday.
  • A lot has changed. Like a lot.
  • I’m craving Trix, the cereal,
  • I wish I can skip Friday and get right to Saturday.
  • I wish I can find myself.
  • I wish I was born in Brasov.
  • I need to get out of here.

For a minute there
I lost myself, I lost myself
Phew, for a minute there
I lost myself, I lost myself

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In these shadows

“When the night falls, i know i’ll lose myself again.”

In these shadows – Fytch

I first heard In These Shadows during the summer of 2014. I was in a car some time after midnight, we were driving so fast, Fytch’s weird gaming tempo music jamming so loud that the car is shaking, and Carmen Forbes singing like there is no end to the bleak. There was no moment more perfect to hear this.

“Blow this pain to smithereens,

Help me fight this storm before I wreck myself”

Out of my many phases throughout the years, the nights when I first heard this was one of my darkest; I did not have any control. And that very night as we were racing the empty streets and trying to escape June’s humidity, I had no control over anything, and this song made it easier to lose control and dive into the darkness.

“Under these skies of doubt

Help me get back up before I drown”

It also scares me how relatable it can get. I am scared i’ll lose myself. I’m scared I’ll lose myself to the shadows. I’m slowly feeling like i’m fading, like with every nightfall, with every burden, I’m starting to care less about everything that makes me want to stay alive. I feel like i’m slowly losing control, slowly losing myself.

Maybe this is why I’ve been listening to Fytch a lot lately, maybe not because I want the adrenaline to kick in again, but maybe because I want Fytch to teach me how to get used to it, to losing myself. 

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Heaven knows I’m miserable now

https://unefemme.net/graceful-wardrobe.html/audrey-hepburn-dances-in-funny-face

Morrisey has been singing to me for a few days now. And I’ve been loving it.

“I was looking for a job, and then I found a job, and heaven knows I’m miserable now”

Heaven knows I’m miserable now – The Smiths

Whaat? That’s not me. lol.

I mean The Smiths are lovey, but this song? It’s an anthem. And have you noticed Johnny Marr and his legend-ness with that guitar? No one can make a depressing song sound so happy like The Smiths do. It reminds me of someone-ehem, a happy tune with a depressing sense of things.

Those who know me know that I have been looking for a job like the one I am currently in for so long, and now that I found it, I feel miserable. However, with many therapy sessions- random shoutout to my therapist for his sense of humor- I have finally concluded that the job is not why I’m miserable. Still, life factors have made me miserable at a job I naturally should love.

I have not found the reason for my miserableness, which is why I miss the “happiness in the haze of drunken hour.” It was not always safe, but it was expected, and it did not expect much of me, and I’m not too fond of expectations.

“In my life, why do I smile at people who I’d much rather kick in the eye?”

Also thought to flag this.

Thanks, The Smiths, for making my confused heart cheery these few days. I awkwardly danced to this tune this morning while making tea, and I did not get caught—a plus for everybody.