I just drove you home. You were singing along with the songs I have played – I thought of you while picking the songs, I thought of the way your voice will fit perfectly with every melody, I thought of how every word will remind me of you, of all the untold stories I could never say.
I listened to you hum, and my heart broke to pieces because with every hum, I couldn’t but think to myself: “this is the last night you’ll ever spend with him.”
Your voice is still stuck in my head, like a lullaby, singing. You weren’t singing to me, but I want to believe you were, I want to believe all those nice words were meant for me, it’s been a while since you told me you loved me, and I am longing for a talk you promised me with, and we only have tomorrow left, but you are seeing her tomorrow night, and not me.
It’s 10:00pm. I stop at a red light, and you stop singing and look at me. You look me with those boyish puppy eyes and tell me that you really want coffee but you don’t have any money, and I tell you I will get you the world if you ask me to. We stop at a coffee place on the street and you get plain coffee and I get Nescafe, and I drive you home.
We reach another red light, and you tell me that this is the first time you drink coffee with sugar, and it tastes disgusting. I smile and tell you my Nescafé does not taste good either. I drive you home; I only say goodbye to you in a rush because it’s already 10:25pm and my curfew is 10:30pm.
I am writing all this, as I try to keep every memory of you alive, as I cry because tomorrow will be the last day I get to be near you. I listen to our song as I remember last January, when you said you wanted to dance with me to this song and I shyly refused. I didn’t like you back then, you were just a friend. Little did I know that I will be lying here, cold and distraught, thinking of all the times I could have spent with you, holding me, as we danced to nothing at all, as I smell your perfume mixed with your warm aroma and you-smell that no one has but you. How can I survive without smelling you? How can I survive this?
Teach me how to survive a world without you. Teach me how to listen to songs and not have them remind me of you. Teach me how to be brave and honest, and tell you that this is about you, that I could/will never love anyone the way I love you. Teach me how to imagine a world where you are not here.
It’s past midnight. Last night you texted me at exactly the same time and asked me if I was still awake. I was getting ready to sleep, but I felt like you wanted to tell me something. I didn’t give you much chance, I wanted to sleep so I could wake up the other day and see you.
It’s 12:13am, and I have an urge to wake up early tomorrow and see you. I want to wake you up, in the annoying way I usually wake you up with. But this time, I want to let myself hug you until I fall asleep, absorbing all the warmth I could take from you. I want to feel you for the last time.
I need you