Hey, are you here? I’m writing here as my last resort. I’m almost at my worst. My therapist canceled our session yesterday and is not replying to my messages for an urgent session this week; it be in person or online.
I can feel it coming, the anxiety blackout, and I am terrified. I am trying to binge-watch Modern Family-which I highly recommend-but I need help. I need urgent help before it’s too late and before everything I have worked so hard on shatters before my eyes. I am in major need of an experienced consultant to help me make this life-changing decision, to help me think.
I am so sleep-deprived, I am barely eating, and I am always nauseous, crippling fear is quickly sneaking through every inch of my body, and anxious discomfort is taking over.
I cannot work. I spent all day researching psychologists that my insurance covers, psychologists that my insurance does not cover but are available today or tomorrow, online consultations, and therapy sessions. I cannot focus on anything, I feel an enormous storm coming my way, and I really don’t think I can survive it.
Help. I don’t know how you can help me because if you reached out to me, I will not disclose anything to you. I will not tell you what is going on; I will not tell you about my problem; I will not share my feelings and emotions.
So how can you help me? I don’t know. I’m asking the impossible, but I know that I am in desperate need of help, and I need anything to hold me still. I’m having an extremely hard time thinking about anything, about anyone.
I’ve had awful moments this week, yet I have not cried once, I have not even allowed myself to feel. I am too scared to cry; I am too scared to talk; I am too scared to face my feelings and decisions because I know if I faced them outside therapy, the blackouts will come back, more vicious than before. I am literally walking on eggshells and I don’t know how much longer I can do that, but I don’t feel long.
So help. I don’t know if there is any way you can help that I haven’t thought of, but please help me. Maybe you know a therapist that can see me today or tomorrow? I don’t know, but I do know I’m very scared, and it’s not easy to ask for help, so this is technically a cry out of desperation.