Today, like the many other nights, I found myself wide awake at 4:00 am. I’ve been waking up an hour or two earlier than my alarm for years, but never for three consecutive weeks, like now.
Today, as I was awake at 4:00 am contemplating existence, I might have understood why I’ve been waking up this early every day.
It’s the only time that I’m awake where I am not obliged to be productive, where I do not feel like my presence is at fault if I was not working or being useful. It’s the only time that I get to wake up, look through the darkness, and do nothing.
How lucky am I that my God wakes me up to feel and see the idyll of dusk? My body is still asleep; I’m too tired to move from under my sheets, and I’m too warm to feel anything. I exist here, in this room, with nothing but my thoughts lingering in the air and the sound of the music I’m listening to.
I was listening to Honesty by Pink Sweats (slowed and reverb) and I thought-maybe also overthought-of everything about yesterday; all the smiles and insecurities, and all the things that might get better. It’s okay, it will pass.
It’s another Monday today, and the time is surprisingly moving fast. It’s already 2:17 pm, and I’ve already finished all my dues, and I even did a few external chores. I still have time to continue my InDesign tutorials and then read my favorite travel blog, and I’m not feeling all the heaviness I was feeling last week.
On another news, I now have a pretty good relationship with my supervisor, and my colleagues are different shades of something new and nice. I’m still the youngest, by a lot, which makes me feel less competent, but for today, it does not feel like a problem.
I’m not sure if I’ll carry this feeling with me for Tuesday, or Wednesday, or for the rest of this lighter week, but I’m glad that today I’m doing okay.
Plans for this evening:
My former roommate invited me over for dinner and cinnamon rolls, and since Cinnabon has lost hope in Lebanon-sad eyes, sad eyes- and closed all its branches, she is now my only provider of these bites of happiness.
I still have my therapy session to go to tonight and then maybe watch a Sofia Loren movie? I’ve been thinking a lot about how amazing It Started in Naples was and I would really like to watch it again. Today seems like a good day to reminisce on good memories.