In these shadows

“When the night falls, i know i’ll lose myself again.”

In these shadows – Fytch

I first heard In These Shadows during the summer of 2014. I was in a car some time after midnight, we were driving so fast, Fytch’s weird gaming tempo music jamming so loud that the car is shaking, and Carmen Forbes singing like there is no end to the bleak. There was no moment more perfect to hear this.

“Blow this pain to smithereens,

Help me fight this storm before I wreck myself”

Out of my many phases throughout the years, the nights when I first heard this was one of my darkest; I did not have any control. And that very night as we were racing the empty streets and trying to escape June’s humidity, I had no control over anything, and this song made it easier to lose control and dive into the darkness.

“Under these skies of doubt

Help me get back up before I drown”

It also scares me how relatable it can get. I am scared i’ll lose myself. I’m scared I’ll lose myself to the shadows. I’m slowly feeling like i’m fading, like with every nightfall, with every burden, I’m starting to care less about everything that makes me want to stay alive. I feel like i’m slowly losing control, slowly losing myself.

Maybe this is why I’ve been listening to Fytch a lot lately, maybe not because I want the adrenaline to kick in again, but maybe because I want Fytch to teach me how to get used to it, to losing myself.