Disclaimer: this was written the very first few weeks at a new job. My opinions have changed, and my anxiety has lessened.
It’s been a very long day at work. The clock says 2:20 pm, but my brain and anxiety say 2 am. I still have 2 hours and 40 minutes to finish the day, and I can almost kill myself.
I finished all my work literally before 12 pm, and I have been reading and killing time ever since. What part of “don’t give someone a job if you don’t have any tasks to give to them” do employers don’t understand? It’s appalling to me.
I have my own office for COVID-19 reasons, which means I have been isolated from everyone else since I first started working, and it has been awful. Sometimes I am happy that I am alone, and sometimes I am sad that I am alive.
And the HR? She’s not helping either. “You’re allowed to walk, we don’t prohibit anyone from walking.” She keeps telling me every day or two. If I was brave enough, I would have told her that, one, I have my one-hour awful rule that my brain has created to protect me: if I do not move for 30mins or one hour, I will not be allowed to move from my chair at all.
Two, I am moving, I am moving and communicating as much as I can, but you’re not seeing that, and it’s not my fault. I don’t have to ask for your permission to move, and I do not need you to tell me when to move or if I need to move, okay? If you think that’s your move as HR to break the anxiety and shyness of new employees, then I can guarantee you’re failing big time.
God, why do people keep doing that. I mean why? They don’t take into account that someone might be suffering mentally and cannot do normal stuff like walk around the office? I mean sure, the first while at my previous work was hard, but they never made me as uncomfortable, and they never asked me to move from my chair, as if I could.
It’s now 2:57 pm. There are still 2 hours and 3 minutes until I am free. Yes, free. Because I am most uncomfortable.
It’s now 3:34 pm. An hour and a half until I am free. God.
Disclaimer (2): I now walk more. Proud?