Maybe things are changing and maybe it’s sad

I said maybe and not definitely, so do not get question-y and all ‘what are you doing with you life’ attitude on me. I know that, and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life either, but I do know that I am doing a few things right.

I have a lot to tell you about. A lot of new safeties, new boundaries, and new structures. I need to tell you about him, but only a little. I need to tell you at least how it feels to feel alive and loved.

Frankly, the more I have things to tell, the less I write. And I often say that it is because I don’t have time, but I know that’s not true. Maybe my 9 to 5 schedule is full of work, and maybe I am going out after work, but not every day. I know that.

I do have some free time, but I find myself watching Netflix instead of writing or reading, or doing something useful.

And it makes me feel like shit. But my therapist did tell me why I find myself too unbothered to write or read, even though both are my favorite things. It is because I often spend most of my time working, leaving me with 3 free hours a day, so my body refuses to do anything productive during these 3 hours and rather procrastinate than make an extra effort to do anything. Which sucks.

I wonder when I will be rich enough to take a gap year from everything. I will rent a house in a rural town abroad, and I will read and write and walk all day. Maybe I will visit the neighbors a few times, maybe I will invite them over to dinner, but I will spend my time reading and writing and thinking of nothing but the euphoric silence and loudness that linger around me.

I often find myself suffocating from the most bizarre things, things that usually do not overwhelm anyone but overwhelm me. I can sometimes be impatient and obsess over the most mundane of things. My confidence is so quickly shared by my insecurities that most days, it only takes one email correcting something I made or a word that a friend has called me to make me think and overthink the reasons I was born.

But, but! I am improving. Maybe the improvements are minor, and maybe I need to work harder, but I am proud of myself for the tiny achievements, and I am happy to announce that I will write down a few things I achieved last year and a few resolutions for this year.

I will move now to my other post, which you probably have seen before this one.

🙂