It was 9:00 pm, and I couldn’t breathe from all my crying, and my mum hugged me tight and cradled me to sleep. I had a panic attack, and I wanted to stop crying; I did (I do), but every time I closed my eyes, all I saw was you, heard your voice, smelled you, and as much as I tried to get you out of my head, you kept maliciously growing, like cancer.
I had a fever all night, and all my hallucinations were about you. My current fever is 38 celsius, and it hurts even to cry, but if only I could control the way I feel, I would have taught myself how to forget your name.
Every time I remember that I will never hear you sing along a song in my car, make you coffee, make fun of the way I talk, wake you up in the morning, stay up all night while you tell me about the most inane things, things that are only interesting when you tell them.
Every time I think of the fact that, out of all people, you left, taking away all my safety and all the security hung by a threat, I die a million times inside.
You promised you would always be here for me; you promised you promised. Is this your definition of being here for me? You were my definition of warmth, and I cannot believe I was this lucky to have you. Do you know those illustrations, where a girl is all covered with black and noise, and then someone holds her hand, and not only the noise and black disappear, the world is recolored with brighter light. You were that to me, and now you are gone, and I don’t know how to go on without you.
I’ll miss you forever. Your memories are unending, but I probably have four memories of you that struck the most, that make me want to pull the pain out of my hair. I will write them, with all the details burning inside my mind, so I keep you alive everywhere, so you keep feeding off from my happiness. I will write them down, so every time my mind even thinks of forgetting that way you felt, it is struck with the fact that all I am now is because of you.
Come back.