This is getting out of hand and I hate it because I cannot stand when I am not in control. I’m stressed and anxious, afraid that you might be upset by anything I have done. I am anxious just because you’re not answering me as fast as you usually do, and I’m blaming myself for it.
And that’s when I start losing control. When I start reading through every message and rereading every word because maybe you meant something else, maybe you really are upset, and maybe I am just overthinking everything. I start doing all those obsessive things that I am too ashamed to admit, and it won’t stop before any minor indicative from you that there is nothing wrong and that it is just all in my goddamn thick head.
And it falls under one thing, my fear of losing you. I am afraid, to my core, that I might lose you, from any foul move, any inane word or behavior that I did not mean but that left a bad taste in your mouth.
Because I do that, I do not think when I speak, I can be irrational at best, and I overreact when I do not need to. I get mad, and I get calm all in the same five minutes, and sometimes I understand when you cannot keep up with me or when you are overwhelmed by my mundane tantrums and miscellaneous nonsense.
But I love you too much to hurt you and too much to lose you. The idea of losing you makes me sick to my core, and I never want to bring back what happened three weeks ago because I really am not strong enough to go through that, especially not now, especially not in a span of a month.
And I’m just writing all of this based on a minor uncertainty because what even.