How easier could it all be if we were just honest, if we didn’t hide behind a mundane pride and a million shards of dignity.
Suppose you could tell me how you feel or what you want of me. Suppose I can only tell you what I really need, what I really want to say. If I could be honest about everything, if I could only share with you some of the storms happening inside of me, instead of the unbearable squeaky silence that screams from within. Instead, I keep saying so many different words, without meaning any of them.
How easier it could be if I could tell you what I’m thinking of right now, and if you could do the same with me. If we’re all plain honest and straight forward, if we stop hiding for a day or two and show ourselves, show our hurricanes. How horrible could it really be?
The heaviness of my world-and words-is crushing my bones. The bleakness of this pit is taunting me, and I’m finding it hard not to let myself fall. Yet, I can’t tell you. Why can’t I say all of this to you?
What if I couldn’t find my safe place anymore, and I can’t but wonder if I can find my safety with you? Why can’t I say all of this? How come I can write it, but never say it to you?
I’m not saying it will be better if I did, I’m just saying that it could.
I always brag that I’m always honest, that I don’t go around in circles, I’ll shoot you straight, and I’ll tell you everything you want to hear. I always brag about being most honest, but I swear I couldn’t be more of a liar.
I’ll never tell you, because I am too afraid of letting you in. When you’re close, you’ll see that I’m much more vulnerable than I might show, and you’ll break me. You won’t see me the way I want you to see me. You’ll see me weak and shaking, and you will either break me, or leave, which will break me even more.
So I’m stuck. I’m stuck between my fear that you’ll break me, and I’m stuck that you might leave if I weren’t honest, and I don’t know what to choose or where I stand in all of this. I just know that it’s maddening to hope that you might understand, if only the scenario in my head can happen, if only everything goes my way and you say what I want you to say to me, without me being honest.
How hard could it be? To be honest?