I’ve written the first sentence of this and erased it three times now, and not because it’s too hard or because I don’t have anything to say, it’s just that I can’t find a main idea for this to focus on.
Like, I want to tell you about the fact that I was smiling to myself today for absolutely no reason, and I want to tell you that I walked this morning to work. It was so refreshing and dark, and it started raining while at the office, and it was cold, which is probably why I was smiling all day long to myself, but I don’t know how to put it.
I’m so content this Christmas, I’m so happy with the impact we are making, and I’m grateful for the people around me. I’m always feeling this wholesome around Christmas, but this year is different, I guess.
I haven’t been feeling lonely for a while, the loneliness that has haunted me my whole life. For the first time I ever, I don’t feel as lonely; I don’t feel like I’m carrying mountains on my shoulders alone. The loneliness, it’s still there, but it’s not as severe as it has always been,
I’m changing; I know I am. It is so bizarre, but the way I feel and think has changed in a few months; I feel like I grew up ten years from May until this day; it’s insane how much my views and feeling and the way I see everything have changed dramatically. I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is temporary bliss, but it’s a new thing, and for the first time, I’m okay with a new thing.
Does it have to do with somebody? Something? Someplace? It might, and I might have the answer to all of this, but I won’t admit it to myself, let alone to you, and it might be a temporary bliss that will soon leave me aching. (but I’m trying so hard not to think about this)
But for the first time in years, I’m not trying to get away. I do not feel like escaping; I suddenly don’t want to run away. Suddenly, I want to stay here, with you, in this coldness, and this darkness, and this mysterious feeling of hopelessness and relevance at the same time.
Suddenly, I am looking at people and sigh with relief at how beautiful they are. I am smiling as my heart is so full of loving them. For the first time in many years, I do not want to run away; I want to stay here.