Hey teta, i miss you
Teta, I can’t seem to take you off my mind. My beautiful beautiful teta. I can’t believe you’re not here, I can’t believe you don’t exist anymore, like you were never there, like I never got to hold you, I never got to listen to you talk, I never got to smile at you, like you never got to smile at me.
I see you everywhere, in every small step I take, in every sunshine and every darkness, I see you when I’m at my happiest, when I’m at my strongest, and you break me to pieces. You bring me back young, stupid, frail. I come back to you with the puffiest eyes and most exhausted lungs, gasping for air, begging you, to please take it easy on us, whoever you left behind. We’re all waiting for you to come back.
I remember dancing a month ago, back in Tbilisi, lights dimmed and the stone walls of my apartments giving me comfort, street lights flickering from my big windows, a cool breeze brushing my cheeks, grizzling my neck and falling all the way to my thighs, fading music from the street downtown heard all the way to my Armenian and calm neighborhood, and I danced, barefoot, wearing a short black dress and a golden anklet, with my red lipsticks and hair down, and I looked in the mirror, and I saw you looking at me, and I broke down crying, because I just realized, seeing you in the mirror only means that you no longer exist outside it.
And this has been happening, a lot. I see you in my brightest moments, when I’m laughing the most, when I feel like my heart may explode from joy, I see you, and my heart clenches, and I go back to my ebony pit, where I am sitting, with legs folded, rocking myself to sleep, shivering from the cold, scared of the damp room I am in, begging my way to see you.
I dreamt of you a few months ago. You were peeling prickly pears and putting them in purple bowls, exactly like you used to do when we were young, back in your old house in Qana. you were in a white kitchen, and I came to you and you hugged me, and as I chocked back tears, I said: “but teta, you don’t really remember us”, because you weren’t very remembering in your last days, and you told me: “you, I will never forget you.”
I hope so teta, because I will never forget you. I wish I can, because it will make everything so much easier to forget you, but I don’t think I can. Today, I visited your grave, and I didn’t cry, and I thought to myself, maybe I’m finally overcoming your death. But right now, as I was telling my best friend that I was at the village and I visited you, she asked me: “your grandma is back in the village?” It was a question asked in the moment, totally forgetting that you died, and it’s been 30mins, and I haven’t stopped crying.
Oh what I do to bring you back, not just for me, but for dad, you were all he got. He loved you so much, to a point where I never thought you would think of leaving him.
I love you teta, that I know. I love you a lot and I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re looking down at me with your green eyes and wholesome smile and big nose, proud of who I become. I know you don’t approve of so many things I do, but I also know that I’m learning, and that despite, I will find my way.
I wish you love my teta, love we were never able to give you enough of. You always said that you wanted to die, no matter how much we gave you. I hope you got what you wanted, I hope you’re getting the love you deserve.