I’ve never felt like I’m multitasking more than right now, and I thought I’d share this with you. Right now I’m in an online communications meeting with work, and I’m listening to an online class (social philosophy) on my phone, and I’m translating texts, and I’m planning next week’s getaway in my head, and I’m also preparing Instagram stories for FoodBlessed.
Ah, and I am also blogging.
What else? Well it’s raining, and it’s cold again. Thank you for the rain, I highly appreciate it.
One of the many things that affected my mood the past two weeks-other than the obvious, of course, is that we are in January, and I was wearing sleeveless PJs because it is not cold enough.
How bad is that? It just started raining, and we’re in the middle of January! This is a catastrophe. This should not be accepted nor repeated. January exists for heating and coldness and chestnuts, not light blankets and PJs. This is a crime.
I’m glad it’s cold again, and if my plans for next worked out, I will be sitting near a chimney with my favorite people in the world drinking hot chocolate and singing loudly on the tunes of an oud or a guitar.
I woke up today with a newly acquired optimism, even though I think I have developed a new fear that I hope doesn’t get worse.
Today is the first day of a full 24 hours lockdown, as in I need to order my grocery home, and I need to fill an online form to obtain a permit and go out. I’m looking at the usually bustling street, and it’s empty. A car or two passes now and then, but that’s that. Everyone’s home, warm and unsafe, and some are less privileged to have a home and are hiding from the rain, cold and unsafe.
And I am scared. I’m not sure if I developed this feeling after my days of forced isolation, or it’s a behavior I developed throughout the terrific 2020, but I think I am scared of loneliness; I’m scared of being alone.
And I’m not saying sitting by myself alone. Whether I am walking, in a bookstore, getting my coffee, or in a mall, I love being by myself, I enjoy doing all of this alone. I think I am scared of being alone in general, as in living with no one by my side, having no one to talk to or see when I want to.
The fear of emptiness is something I know I had a long time ago. I am scared of having nothing, of the blankness, of a bleak, I am scared of being in one place my whole life and have no yesterday or tomorrow. This is why I find commitment much harder than it should because commitment is bounding to a certain one thing, and I am not sure I can do this. I always make sure I tell myself that with everything going on in my life, I have the option to walk out.
Well, one thing I know for sure is that I’m looking forward to my therapy session on Monday.