I’ve been trying to write for a while but my words feel so heavy, it’s been so hard to write. Even though I have so, so much to say.
I’m not an easy person, I know that. I’ve never been easy to understand or deal with, and I never felt truly understood and I never knew how to fully explain myself without portraying myself as a freak. I know I can be a handful, and I know I can be so demanding and so insecure, but I promise you I’m worthwhile. I promise you I am not always like this. It’s just this while I am a little vulnerable and I just need some safety to go by. I promise once I feel safe again I will be normal-ish again, I promise my obsessiveness will disappear and my clinginess will ease up and I will be bearable again.
But I would understand if you prefer to leave. I understand that I may be too much and that you’re already dealing with your demons you don’t need me to make it worse. I understand if you decide I am too depressive and I am too tiring and you don’t want anything to do with me. It’s okay if you want to leave, everyone leaves me eventually.
See I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t understand it and I do not feel like I have the luxury of therapy these days. I am in constant fear of getting an anxiety attack that every time my heart hurts, every time I am nauseas, every time I am triggered, the fear of anxiety makes me anxious and that is where it gets worse.
But it’s just so dark, and I feel so lonely. I don’t know what is happening to me, I don’t know how I can help myself. It’s so so difficult for me to ask for help, and it agonizes me when I an pleading for someone to help me and no one cares. I know I may not say it out loud, but I know I have signs and I just want you to be able to understand my signs because I am really, really hurting.
And I am so sorry. I’m so sorry for throwing all this at you. You don’t have to deal with all this. But I don’t know what to do. I am drowning and I just need someone to pull my hand up. It’s been so uncertain and the instability is deafening and I am trying so hard to cope but the heavy weight on my back keeps pushing me down.
And all I want is to sleep.